


The Truth Will Set You Free

by sorbriquette



Category: Carry On - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: M/M, Slow Burn-ish, So she's in it pretty rarely, So this is gonna go on for a while, basically me trying my hand at the 'truth potion/spell' thing, cause lets be real baz would do anything to hide his feels, fyi I lack the emotional capacity to understand Agatha at all, including avoiding everyone for weeks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-15
Updated: 2018-05-06
Packaged: 2019-04-23 05:02:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 45,064
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14325177
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sorbriquette/pseuds/sorbriquette
Summary: Simon casts a truth spell on Baz that only works if the target has something they want to tell you but won't. They can't stop telling the truth until they confess what they want to.Baz spends the next few weeks avoiding everyone and everything while trying to break the spell.Simon spends them trying to corner Baz and get him to reveal what he's plotting.Penny spends eternity letting out exasperated sighs and 'I told you so's.





	1. Chapter 1

**Simon**

Baz is plotting.

 

Well, Baz is _always_ plotting. This time though I'm sure it's something big. He's been staying out later and later, every night is worse than the last. The sun was actually up this morning when he walked in. I know this because obviously, I stayed up to figure out what he was up to. I've stayed up every night. Crowley, I'm exhausted. I need to know what he's up to though, what he's planning.

 

Penny says I'm being paranoid.

 

Penny _always_ says I'm being paranoid.

 

I might start following him again, like I did in 5th year. It's not like I'm getting any sleep while he's out anyway. Maybe I'll learn how he stays sane on that lack of sleep too.

 

 He's sitting across the dining hall from us, me and Penny that is, not so much as a hair out of place or droop of his eyelids.

 

He sees me staring and sneers. I meet his gaze though I know the bags under my eyes must detract from the venom in it.

 

He just rolls his eyes and looks away, like it's beneath him to even look at me. It takes every ounce of self-control I have not to march across the room, grab him by the collar and force him into another of our own unspoken staring contests... or glaring contests I suppose.

 

I turn back to Penny, slathering butter on my sour cherry scone with slightly more force than necessary. "What do you think he's up to?"

 

Penny looks up from her food at me and shakes her head. "No."

 

"What do you mean, no?" I ask, having difficulty forming the words around all the scone in my mouth.

 

"I mean no, Simon." She sighs, giving me a somewhat pitying look. "You've exceeded your 'talking about Baz' allowance for today."

 

What? That can't be right. We're only at breakfast.

 

"Penny." I groan out, mouth still full of scone.

 

You'd think after all these years I'd know how much scone I can fit in my mouth at one time, yet I feel the saliva in my mouth drying up as the scone gets hard to chew due to its sheer volume. I blame Baz. I'd have paid more attention if I hadn't been so bloody annoyed.

 

Penny seems to be considering taking my inability to talk as a cue to escape, she doesn't though, she uses it to give me a good telling off instead. "Simon, I think you're overreacting. Baz hasn't done anything to you in weeks. You're doing more harm to yourself by staying up every night waiting for him than he's probably even planning."

 

Maybe that _is_ what he's planning, to make me paranoid and exhausted and then strike. Penny's right though. Penny's _always_ right. What I’m doing isn't helping especially if that _is_ his plan.

 

Penny's gone back to reading her book, stopping every so often to have a bite of her breakfast.

 

I relent. Or maybe it's the scone that makes me relent. I finally swallow the last remains of it, chugging down a lot of tea to chase after it, at that point the conversation is just over.

 

"What are you reading?" I ask, putting a smaller piece of scone into my mouth this time. Let it not be said I never learn from my mistakes.

 

Penny perks up significantly at the question. "It's about illegal magic and how we deal with contemporary spells."

 

"For what class?" I panic, thinking I've missed some bit of homework.

 

"For fun." Penny shrugs closing the book over her middle finger to mark her page. "It's all very interesting. Since spells are so diverse in terms of when they crop up and how powerful they'll be, they have to sort it by categories." I'm not really all that interested, but I listen none the less, god knows she listens to my stuff enough. My stuff mainly being complaints about Baz of course. "Things like mind control are obviously a pretty big no, love spells, compulsion, things like that. But when you get into the details and things get blurry, that's where it really gets good."

 

I think Penny senses I'm not fully invested in this conversation. I also don't think Penny cares as long as she gets to talk about it.

 

"Sleep spells are a big grey area, so are truth spells and even memory wipes. Anything that doesn't take away your free will but just messes with it a little."

 

Penny seems about to go on, but I quickly swallow my scone and interject. "Wait, there are truth spells?"

 

"Yes, of course, there are spells for nearly everything," Penny says, though I know she knows why I asked. Penny has a way of telling me that something is a bad idea by just the tone of her voice, it doesn't matter what words she's saying. This one sounds like a _very_ bad idea. "Though most are _illegal_."

 

"Right," I nod slowly. "But there are ones that aren't?"

 

Penny frowns at me. "Simon." There's warning in her tone again. I ignore it.

 

"Like what?"

 

"You've exceeded your quota." She reminds me.

 

"This is important Penny. I need to know what he's plotting. You don't even need to tell me, just give me the book?"

 

Penny is also very good at telling me something is a bad idea with the look on her face. Regardless she slides the book across the table to me.

 

**Baz**

It's getting a bit much honestly. Living in the same room as Simon Snow.

 

It's nice when he's asleep. It still hurts, of course, having him right there. So close I could reach out and brush the curls back off his brow. I know I can’t. I also know I can’t stop wanting to because Crowley I’ve tried.

 

I can just pretend for a little while. Pretend that we're not mortal enemies. Pretend we don't have to fight. Pretend that I could reach out and touch his face and that I wouldn't get a broken nose for it.

 

When he's awake though, it's not the same. We exchange our tirade of insults and sneers... well, that's mostly me. He mainly just stands there and tries in vain to figure out how to form a complete sentence. He's an idiot. A beautiful fucking idiot. An idiot who stays up waiting for me to get back from hunting.

 

I've been hunting for longer of course. Hoping that this time I'll come back, and he'll be asleep. So, I don't have to fight and argue. So, I can just pretend. Snow won’t even let me have that mercy though.

 

Sunrise. Fucking sunrise. I came back at sunrise and he was still awake. Waiting for me.

 

He looks like shit from it. I can take a piece of solace from that at least. I'm tired though. I can't keep this up forever. Even my **top of the morning** is starting to wane. I'm too tired to keep casting it.

 

I'm sick of it all. So, I don't go hunting tonight. I resign myself to spending the evening between arguing with and ignoring Snow.

 

He looks up as I enter the room, from his desk, where he's reading. There's a piece of paper that he's hurriedly scribbling on, covered in short phrases, many of them crossed out. He shoved the paper under the book when I walk in.

 

I narrow my eyes at him. "What are you doing Snow?"

 

"Nothing." He snaps a little too quickly. Then, "Reading."

 

Ah, Simon Snow, as eloquent as always.

 

"Have you really left your elocution assignment this late?" I sneer at him. There is, of course, no elocution assignment. Hopefully, he'll be too distracted by being an ass back that he doesn't realise that.

 

"No this isn't school related." He stops, glancing up at me frantically. "We have an elocution assignment?"

 

I raise an eyebrow at him. "You can perhaps see why my first guess wasn't academic curiosity."

 

He snaps the book closed and starts hurriedly gathering his things. Probably running off to find Bunce and beg for her help.

 

"Honestly I'm surprised you read for pleasure at all given you take about double the time a child does to read." I jab at him again hoping for some kind of reaction. I can feel his magic; the smell of smoke fills the room and it's near suffocating. He doesn't say anything though.

 

So obviously I try again. "Is that what that piece of paper was for? Were you writing down words phonetically while you tried to sound them out."

 

The door slams before I can even get to the end of my comment and he's gone. Honestly, I'm a little put out by that. Does he not even want to argue anymore. I do my best not to pout over being unable to bait Snow. I fail miserably.

 

I know I don’t want to fight with him all the time. Fighting is better than him not being there at all though.

 

I let out a sigh that’s more exasperated than it should be given I was the one annoying him.

 

There was always next time.

 

I shut the window and close the curtains, maybe it was better that he was gone, I wouldn’t have to deal with freezing to death while I slept. Classes had just ended and the sun was still up, but I was exhausted, so I changed into my pyjama's endeavouring to do my homework later tonight when I wake up.

 

Even tired as I am, it takes a while of tossing and turning to fall asleep. It's strange not falling asleep listening to Snow breathing or counting the moles on his face, like children count sheep. I'm not sure how long it takes me, but I manage it eventually.

 

**Simon**

 

There was no elocution assignment because of course there wasn't. Still, it wasn't wasted time. I found Penny and we ended up in the library. I'm still pouring over the book and Penny seems surprised by that.

 

"What about _the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?"_ I ask. Not only does it stop people from lying but apparently it makes them spill _all_ their secrets when prompted by little but thinking of them.

 

Penny sighs and shakes her head. "No good, for one, it's heinously illegal, not to mention immoral."

 

" _The truth hurts?"_

 

Penny actually shoots a glare at me. "Simon, are you even reading the full sentences? That one will hurt _you_ whenever he's telling the truth. Also, once again, Illegal."

 

" _Truer words have never been spoken?_ "

 

"Won’t work."

 

" _Liar, Liar pants on fire."_

 

"Simon, you've been saying for years that he's a vampire." She says without looking up from the book she was now reading, or attempting to at least, given my ceaseless interrupting.

 

"So?" I ask, brow furrowing.

 

"Vampires are flammable." She said 'vampires', not 'he', not 'Baz'. 'Vampires'. She still doesn't believe me, that much is apparent. She has a point though, if he is a vampire, _which he is,_ that would probably kill him.

 

" _Penny for your thoughts?"_ I offer up with a sly grin.

 

"Only works if he takes your money." Penny has apparently given up on shooting down my ideas, and I must admit I'm feeling a bit disheartened from all of it. "Look, Si, if you must, maybe start with _the truth will set you free._ " She still disapproves, I can hear it in her voice, but at least it's something. Even if she's only giving me that something to stop me lighting Baz on fire.

 

I quickly flip through the pages, searching for the spell. Reading the passage, I groan. "Pen, this only works if he _wants_ to tell me a secret. Why would Baz want to tell me anything?" Baz doesn't want to tell me anything except maybe that he wants to kill me. Still, on the off chance there is something, he won’t be able to lie to me until he tells me that secret so...maybe?

"Give it a try Simon. It's one of the tamer ones, we can work our way up from here." _We?_ If this was what it would take to get Penny on board, properly on board, then I guess I work with this.

 

 

When I get back Baz is asleep. Actually, asleep. Not out and plotting.

 

I hesitate a second when I see him. Maybe Penny's right, maybe this is wrong. His hair is splayed out on the pillow and I can hear him snoring softly. His eyelids flutter every so often bellow dark eyelashes and at one point he tugs his pillow closer and presses his face into it, mumbling something indecipherable. So, Baz hugs his pillow in his sleep, in 7 years of living together, how did I not notice that till now?

 

I don't mean to stare. I'm only doing it because I'm trying to decide. Trying to work up the courage to do this. It's not an offensive spell so Penny assured me the anathema wouldn't do anything. That's not why I hesitate though. He looks so vulnerable right now. If I'm going to spell him surely, he should be awake and able to defend himself.

 

Then I remember this is Baz I'm looking at. He wouldn't give a toss whether or not I was awake and paying attention if he was going to spell me.

 

I grit my teeth and raise my wand. " **The truth will set you free.** " I say the words and actually hear the magic in them for once. Honestly, I didn't think it would work. I doubt Baz will even believe it was me that managed it.

 

I'm getting ahead of myself. I don't know that it's worked. I need him awake and questioned to know that. That can wait until tomorrow though, when he's awake. When I'm awake. I'm not entirely sure I'm awake right now with how little sleep I've gotten over the past week.

 

I change into my Watford pyjamas and head to bed. Merlin knows I can barely handle Baz when I'm fully conscious and coherent. I'll need my sleep for this.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey all! This is my first fanfic since I was about 14. (So like 6 years ago)
> 
> Happy to take any and all constructive criticism on board. I'm trying my best but if you happen to notice mistakes in terms of grammar/lore/characterisation or anything really, feel free to let me know. (eg. According to the Carry On wikia 'the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth' is a canon spell but I don't remember it from the books so I'm not sure what it actually does. Corrections are welcomed!)


	2. Chapter 2

**Baz**

 

When I wake up, Snow's back in our room. He's still asleep. Good.

 

It gives me a few moments, to take him in like I haven't been able to do in days. The soft light of morning streams in through the window and toys with his hair, tracing every bronze curl along its curve in a way I only wish I could. He's facing me too, probably trying to keep an eye on me last night. I allow myself, if only for a moment, to pretend it's because he cares, not because he's a paranoid git.

 

He's not slept properly for as long as I have, so I should have a while here. A while to think about what it would be like to run my fingers along his jaw or press my lips up against the moles on his neck or have him open his stupidly blue eyes and smile at me instead of glare.

 

He will do that eventually if I don't stop staring at him, open his eyes and glare at me.

 

I’ve long since come to terms with my fate; having Simon Snow mere feet away from me and yet so far out of reach. That doesn’t I’ll ever stop hating it though.

 

I get up and head to the bathroom for my shower because the only thing worse than tearing my gaze from him right now would be if he saw me do it.

 

He's up when I finish in the bathroom. I smell it before I even open the door. Smoke. I’m not even sure what I've done this time.

 

When I exit the bathroom, fully dressed, perfectly groomed and well scented as always, he's waiting. He's dressed too and for some reason he's not sprinted off to breakfast at the earliest possible convenience. That cannot be a good sign.

 

 He's sitting on his bed, bouncing up and down with what I think is nervousness. It would explain the smell. He's staring at me too. Not like I was staring at him earlier, not longing and soft and utterly pathetic. He's staring at me like he's waiting for something.

 

I ignore him completely, gathering my things and making a beeline towards the door.

 

He's up and standing in front of me before I can get past him. I bump into his chest slightly, in my haste to leave. I take a step away from him while I can still resist the urge to pull him closer.

 

"What do you want, Snow?" I sneer down at him, ever grateful for those three inches I have over him.

 

He looks at me. He opens his mouth. He closes it. He frowns.

 

"You can't keep me here while you think you know," because that's obviously what he's at least attempting to do, "we'll be here all day."

 

His frown turns from one of thought to one of annoyance. "Baz..." He starts. Apparently, Snow is choosing his words today.

 

"Come on, Snow, spit it out before I die." _Again..._

 

"What are you plotting?"

 

The question surprises me a little. I consider making up some elaborate way to kill him, but all that comes out of my mouth is. "Nothing."

 

What?

 

That's not right. The universe handed me yet another opportunity to fuck with Snow and I just, passed on it?

 

Snow visibly deflates. He looks put out. Upset even.

 

I try not to look like anything, despite my internal panic.

 

He just sighs, looking down at his feet and steps out of my way.

 

I scoff. "If I knew that was all it would take to get you to leave me alone…” I trail off. Not intentionally. I never trail off.

 

Panic starts to settle deep in my stomach. I keep my composure. It doesn't matter, Snow's not looking at me.

 

I start to walk off, trying for the life of me to say _I'd have done it years ago._

 

I can't though. I fucking can't.

 

And it doesn't take long for me to figure out why.

 

**Simon**

It didn't work.

 

Of course, it didn't work.

 

It didn't work because Baz has nothing he wants to tell me and because I'm as useless a mage as he says.

 

I was so sure it had.

 

I'm not even mad. There's no smoke smell seeping through the air. I'm not going to go off. I'm just disappointed, for once I was so sure I'd gotten something right with magic, something difficult too. But I didn't. And I don't even think I can blame Baz properly for this one.

 

I'm not even sure a sour cherry scone could cheer me up right now. I head down to breakfast anyway because really if there _is_ anything that can cheer me up its sour cherry scones and Penny.

 

When I get down to breakfast I'm almost surprised to see Agatha sitting there next to Penny. She's not been sitting with us lately, we're on another break. Does this mean she wants to get back together?

 

I should be glad she's sitting with us, that maybe she wants to be my girlfriend again. Right now I wish she wasn't there, though. I need to talk to Penny, about the spell, about how it didn't work. It's not like we couldn't tell Agatha, but it's obvious even to me that Agatha might have a bit of a thing for Baz. I try to ignore it most days, try to bask in blissful ignorance, but I still know it's true. And somehow, I don’t think that Agatha would appreciate us spelling the object of her affections into telling the truth, even if it didn't work.

 

"Hey Si," Penny greets me, casting **some like it hot** on a scone she's saved, "You finally get some sleep last night?" She asks looking me up and down over her glasses.

 

Agatha glances over at me and there's concern across her pale features. "You've not been sleeping, Simon?"

 

"Yes." I say to Penny, then, "No." To Agatha. "I can't sleep because bloody Baz is plotting something."

 

Agatha looks away from me, the concern vanishing slightly. I think I actually see her roll her eyes.

 

Penny takes that moment to cast a pointed look at me, I meet her gaze. I know what she's silently asking. Apparently, she doesn't think it's a good idea to tell Agatha either. "Have you tried just asking Baz?" She asks slowly, making sure I catch her meaning.

 

"I did, he said he wasn't plotting anything."I was so sure it worked when I cast it. But then Baz got up and we spoke and now I'm so sure it didn't.

 

"Maybe he's not plotting anything Simon." Agatha chimes in. She’s not stupid, I know she can tell something is slightly off in my conversation with Penny. Since when do I _ask_ Baz anything, except maybe to piss off, even that’s more of a demand really. She doesn’t say anything though, I think she prefers not knowing what’s going on sometimes.

 

I don't really get her anymore. I know that Baz is brilliant and honestly, he's pretty fit, but I always thought it was some kind of 'bad boy' appeal that drove Agatha towards him. (I don't know if you can call someone who keeps their socks perfectly folded a 'bad boy'. He's evil at least.) It sounds like she doesn't want him to be plotting, and if I relinquish the idea that she just likes him because he's evil I might have to accept the fact that what she actually likes is _him._ I'm not sure I can do that.

 

"Maybe." Penny gives a hum of agreement. "Maybe that's the truth."

 

I give Penny my best rendition of the look she gives me when I'm being particularly thick. "It's Baz." I say it like it's the most obvious thing in the world. To me, it is the most obvious thing in the world. Seven years at Watford and no matter what happens I can always count on Baz to be plotting.

 

Penny frowns to herself slightly. She frowns to herself like she thinks I might be wrong, like she does when she's mulling something over in her head.

 

Really though, the one thing in this world less likely than me casting that spell correctly is the idea the Baz isn't plotting anything.

 

Penny's still thinking, so I turn my attention to Agatha. Agatha's attention isn't on me either though. Her eyes are looking across the hall. I don't need to follow her gaze to know what she's looking at. It's where I'm always looking albeit with a very different expression on my face.

 

I see Baz look up and meet her gaze for a few moments before he gets up and leaves. Agatha's eyes follow him as he walks out of the dining hall.

 

The smell of smoke starts to fill the air again before Penny clears he throat. She doesn't say anything, not that she has to.

 

I try to calm down.

 

Agatha notices too. It's too obvious for her not to notice. She doesn't say anything though. That only makes it worse.

 

 

It’s a Saturday but I’d agreed to study with Penny today.

 

In my haste to get to breakfast before it was over, I'd left my books behind. So, I tell Penny that I'll meet her in the library and I head back to Mummer's House. I don't know if Agatha will join us. I doubt she will. Nearly going off at breakfast over her looking at Baz probably hasn't helped our relationship.

 

I try not to think about it.

 

Clambering up the stairs to our room, I am in a bit of a huff. The spell failed, my ex-girlfriend is still really into my arch-nemesis and of course, when I get back to the room, Baz is there.

 

He's standing by the desk, flicking through the book Penny gave me. Slender fingers running down the page.

 

That's probably why he left breakfast early, so he could root through my stuff.

 

I march across the room and try to snatch it out of his grasp. He holds it above his head where he knows I can't reach it. Git.

 

I consider trying to jump the extra three inches to retrieve it, but that would be stupid, and he'd only mock me for it. I consider punching him in the gut, so he doubles over and I can take it. I like that idea but I doubt the Anathema would.

 

"Is this what you've resorted to, Snow?" He asks coldly, his eyes focused on the book above him instead of on me. "You, who can't even cast most of the first-year spells properly, are going to try and use advanced and _illegal_ magic on me?"

 

Going to. He said going to. If I needed a scrap more evidence, it hadn't worked that was it.

 

**Baz**

 

I did not want to be dealing with Snow right now, not while I was under whatever spell this was. I'd left breakfast early to try and find that damn book he'd been reading and sort out what was happening. No such luck. Wellbelove's instance on oogling me, that usually wouldn't be unwelcome given the way it made Snow squirm, drew his attention back to me. I'd traded in my usual sneering at him over breakfast for ignoring him, but it was for nought. As soon as Wellbelove glanced my way we were destined for another confrontation today.

 

Sure enough, Snow had come charging into our room mere minutes after me, trying to snatch the book from my grasp before I could even figure out what spell it was.

 

So here we stand, nearly chest to chest. Me holding a book above him, mocking him, as is my way. Him waiting for me to get tired so he can grab it. My arm _was_ getting tired, but Snow was not getting it back until I figured out what he'd done.

 

He does look rather upset. Maybe Wellbelove's antics have hit him particularly hard today. The thought makes my stomach curl with a confusing mixture of glee, sympathy and rage. I ignore it.

 

Snow doesn't answer my question. He doesn't need to. I know he wasn't just going to try to cast a spell on me. He _did_. The git actually did it. I don't quite know whether to be annoyed or proud.

 

"That's Penny's, I need it back." He says after several moments of us just standing there, glaring at each other, waiting for the other to break first.

 

I raise an eyebrow at him in a way I know he hates because he can't manage it. "It took you all that time to come up with that?" Snow bristles visibly. I smirk at the reaction. "Well if Bunce wants it back tell her she can come collect it from me. I don't know if I want my roommate researching illegal magic to use on me."

 

"You said it yourself Baz, there's no way I could cast any of those." The admission catches me off guard. "Just give it back so I can return it to Penny."

 

Oh, if only he knew.

 

"I think not." Is all I say, attempting to push past him and make for the door for the second time today. For the second time today, he bars my path. "Really Snow, I must be going."

 

"Going where?" He practically growls at me. And here I was thinking I was at my least antagonising today.

 

I fix him with a sneer. "Away from you." Apparently, I can get away with that. Probably because It's true. I don't care where I go as long as Snow isn't there.

 

"Going to see my girlfriend?" Snow snaps at me.

 

"Ex-girlfriend." I correct. Unwillingly following it up with. "And, no. I am not."

 

I need to get out of here. Right. Now.

 

I try to push past him again. He blocks me. I consider shoving him harder but I'm not sure if today is the day I want to test the limits of the anathema.

 

Turns out even when I'm not lying about an interest in his girlfriend I have an unmatched ability to get under Snow's skin because the smell of smoke is filling the room again.

 

My arm is getting tired from holding this book over Simon's head. I reach up with my other arm and grab it that hand, letting my tired arm fall back to my side. Snow looks annoyed. Evidently, he didn't see that hole in his plan to wait me out.

 

"Do you even like Agatha or are you just messing with her?" He snaps at me.

 

I roll my eyes. "I could not care less about Wellbelove, Snow." Well. There goes that way of annoying Snow. "I'm messing with _you_." It's the truth. I can't stop myself from saying it. I can, however, put as much venom as I want into it. It sounds like I'm just being cruel. Crowley, I hope he thinks I'm just being cruel. Snow is thick. But even then, he's only _so_ thick.

 

He looks aghast, horrified even. He's going to go off. I'm almost sure of it. As if I needed another reason to get out of here right now.

 

I need to leave. Fuck it.

 

"Fetch." I sneer at him, tossing the book across the room onto Snow's bed. Hoping he'll dive after it and get out of my way. I need it, but what I need even more is to get out of here before Snow figures out he’s successfully cast a spell for once in his life.

 

He doesn't fucking move.

 

He just stands there. Glaring at me. He doesn't even glance towards to book. He ignores it completely, enraptured with the topic of his perfect not-girlfriend apparently.

 

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" He snaps at me.

 

My eyes widen at the question. My mouth is moving before I can stop it. "Well for starters, I'm a fucking vampire. And then, of course, there's the fact that I'm hopelessly-." I cut myself off the only way I can even think of in that moment. I shove my hand in my mouth. It's ridiculous and humiliating, but it can't be worse than hearing myself say the words I know we're about to come out of my mouth next. _I'm hopelessly in love with you._

 

I'm sure Snow would be laughing his arse off right now if he didn't look so shocked.

 

He just stares at me. Gaping.

 

"It worked." He says the words like he doesn't quite believe them.

 

Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck.

 

I shove past him again, this time in his shock he gives.

 

I'm out the door before he can say anything else.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This ended up getting a bit of a last-minute rewrite. Mainly because I'm not overly fond of Agatha and I don't really understand her character, so when I first drafted this up she was even less relevant and only used to push Simon to confront Baz. Which I basically what happened here again anyway, but I tried at least. Anyway, so if there's suddenly a massive continuity error somewhere please let me know (Though I think I fixed it).
> 
> Anyways enjoy!


	3. Chapter 3

**Simon**

It had worked.

 

I had fucking worked.

 

It takes me a second to completely register it. To throw open the door and to run after Baz. He's gone by the time I get to the bottom of the stairs. I consider trying to find him but I'm not even sure which way he went. Would he risk being seen heading down the to the catacombs in the day? Or the Wavering Wood? He might've gone to the library or the infirmary to figure out how to rid himself of the spell. Basically, I have no idea where Baz has gone, so I go back inside and gather my things to go see Penny.

 

He's a vampire. I always knew of course. He finally admitted it though. I can't bloody wait to tell Penny. To tell everyone. To tell The Mage and get Baz kicked out of Watford so I can have the room to myself.

 

At least, I think that's what I want.

 

When he told me, he looked scared, actually scared. Baz Pitch, ever composed, complete git and bane of my existence looked bloody terrified of me, and I don't think it's just because I finally managed a spell properly. I was there when we faced the chimera (because he was trying to get it to kill me). And that time I hid his wand and he couldn't find it. And the dozens of times I went off or attacked him. Baz always seemed so impassive, so unreachable, like nothing in this world was able to make him feel anything he didn't want to. But the truth. The truth scares Baz.

 

Maybe… maybe I shouldn't tell anyone? No one's believed me before. It would just be my word against Baz's that he'd told me. I'll tell Penny at least, and Agatha. Maybe then she'll realise how dangerous he is.

 

The Baz I saw just now didn't seem dangerous though.

 

Really, I should be losing it right now with laughter thinking about Baz Pitch shoving his hand into his mouth to keep quiet. I don't know why I'm not.

 

I try to.

 

I can't.

 

As it happens I tell Penny. She believes me of course. She knows I wouldn't lie to her.

 

I was right, Agatha didn't come and join our study session, so I don't get a chance to tell her. Penny doesn't think I should. _I'm_ not sure if I think I should.

 

"I should tell The Mage though, right?" I ask Penny in hushed whispers. I don't know why I'm whispering. Everyone should know.

 

Penny frowns for a second. I know she doesn't like The Mage, but he's still the headmaster, if something's endangering the students he needs to know. "I don't think he's hurt anyone Simon." She says after a few moments. She's right, if he's been a vampire all this time he's obviously not drained any of the other students.

 

"Phillipa." I offer up.

_Me._ I don't.

 

Penny pushes her glasses up where they've slid down her nose while she was reading. "That was because he's an ass, not because he's a vampire."

 

I relent.

 

Maybe because she's convinced me.

 

Maybe because I want to.

 

 

Baz doesn't return to our room all weekend. I'm starting to think maybe he's left. That now that I've found out his secret he's just gone. The thought pisses me off a little. I finally get one up on Baz and he just leaves?

 

I don't sleep all weekend. Or at least, I try not to. At one point I pass out from sheer exhaustion and I'm surprised I wake up at all. He's definitely off plotting to kill me. Baz wouldn't let me win like this.

 

 

He's not in my classes on Monday either. I'm doing particularly badly today though, so that's probably for the best. At least I know he hasn't left, because when I get back to the room after dinner the room smells of cedar and bergamot and Penny's book is missing.

 

Merlin, I must have gotten to him more than I thought if he didn't shower all weekend.

 

I always thought I had a talent for tracking Baz from all those times in fifth year. I mean, I only found him once in the catacombs, but I always knew when he was there at least, I always just blamed the fact that it's a labyrinth down there. Now that I've not seen him in three days, though, I'm pretty sure the only reason I managed to follow him anywhere in 5th year was because he let me. His whole plot was probably just to keep me up and paranoid. And I fell for it hook line and sinker, like an idiot.

 

As the week passes with still no sightings of Baz I think I'm starting to get worried. He's not been coming to classes, he's not been turning up to football practice. Dev and Niall have been telling everyone he's sick and he's resting up in our room.

 

I know that's not true.

 

I don't know why I don't say anything.

 

**Baz**

Crowley, I'm a mess. I've been avoiding Snow like the plague for the past week. Or worse than the plague, I'm pretty sure vampires can't get sick.

 

This bloody spell. I can't figure out what it is. I can't get rid of it. It's been a week and it's still hanging over my head. I haven't been able to go to classes or football or anything. Dev and Niall have been covering for me of course. I didn't explain the situation to them, I just told them that I needed them to make excuses for me until I sorted all this out. They didn't ask questions. It's so nice to have minions.

 

I've been sneaking back to our room while Snow has classes, so I can sleep and shower. I try not to disturb too many things. I don't want him to know I've been here. Knowing him he'd probably skip out on class just to come and confront me.

 

I need to fix this. I need to fix this soon. Before Bunce takes my spot as top of the class. Before I permanently ruin my spine from sleeping in the catacombs. Before I accidentally tell Snow that I love him.

 

The former two options are obviously the most long-lasting and far-reaching in terms of consequences but it's the last one that really makes my skin crawl. That's the one I'd never live down.

 

I've been stealing Snow's homework to keep up with what's been going on in class. Not that he'd do it properly anyway, so I might as well. I'm tucking it away into my bag now, along with my textbooks and a couple of Snow's mint aero bars to tide me over. I have an in with Cook Pritchard, I can still get food even if I don't turn up during set meal times but turning up three times a day is a bit much.

 

The door opens, and I look up.

 

Snow walks in. He's looking particularly dishevelled today. He looks tired too. I hope that's because of me. I need some sort of compensation for this hell he's putting me through and if that is knowing Snow hasn’t been getting a wink of sleep in my absence then so be it.

 

He freezes when he sees me. Just staring at me for a second, like he's not entirely sure I'm there.

 

I glance at my watch. "You're back early. How badly did you have to mess up to actually get kicked out of class?" I sneer at him, throwing my backpack over my shoulder.

 

His expression turns quickly from one of surprise to one of loathing. "Where have you been, Baz?"

 

"Avoiding you, obviously. Avoiding everyone." I can feel a week's worth of anger bubbling up inside of me. I attempt to quell it, attempt to hide it. But I'm tired, my body aches from sleeping on cement and I've not eaten properly in days, I've only got so much energy I can hide it with. "Because you finally manage a spell for once in your fucking life and now I can't stop telling the truth."

 

Snow has the audacity to frown at me. "What are you even hiding that's worth all this?" He gestures around. "Aside from the vampire thing."

 

Ah yes, _the vampire thing_ as he so eloquently put it. Yet another reason I'm avoiding everything. I'm pretty sure the moment I resurface The Mage is going to come barging into class and drag me out of there. Drag me out of Watford. He'll probably even have me killed. Dev and Niall haven't said anything about it. Which either means Simon hasn't told him, or the far more likely option, that he wants to make a public spectacle of it, so he can use it against the old families. Against _my_ family.

 

But Snow asked me another question and I can hear the answer being drawn from my throat before I can do anything to stop it. "You mean like the fact that I'm gay? Or -" I cut myself off again, the same way as last time, by shoving my hand in my fucking mouth. I hate it, but really, it's not half as bad as the alternative. If I'm honest I'd rather cut out my own tongue than admit to Snow that I have feelings for him. I'd never be able to do magic again but that might just be the price I have to pay to keep my secret.

 

 I expect Snow to laugh this time. I'm sure he had a field day over it last time.

 

He just stares at me though. Eyes wide. Really the amount Simon Snow has been staring at recently is starting to rival my late-night indulgence of looking at him.

 

"Baz, I-" He starts, but my wand is in my hand before he can finish.

 

" **Cat got your tongue."** I cast quickly, grabbing my things and all but sprinting from our room. Making sure to cast a quick " **Stand your ground."** Over my shoulder before Snow can make to follow me.

 

And I had naively thought this situation couldn't get any worse.

**Simon**

I'm an asshole. Merlin and Morgana, I might be enough of a git to actually rival Baz right now.

 

I'm stuck to the ground and no matter how I open and close my mouth no sound comes out. I'm not sure what I would even say if I could.

 

Penny was right. _Of course,_ Penny was right.

 

I shouldn't have done this.

 

It's Baz so I shouldn't feel this guilty. I do feel guilty though. I try to shove it down, to remind myself that if our positions were reversed Baz wouldn't feel a spot of guilt over this. That's the problem though, I'm not sure even Baz would do this. He's tried to kill me, yeah, but somehow this feels worse.

 

So, I just stand there silently, waiting for his spells wear off. As I'm agonising over when it'll be over, I realise I've had Baz under my spell for a week. A whole week and it doesn't look like it's fading any time soon. I should really put a stop to this. The longer it goes on the more terrible his retribution will be probably. I should stop.

 

If he tries anything too bad I could always just tell The Mage he's a vampire again. I've not got proof, but I don't think he'd call me a liar if I explained that Baz had told me.

 

_You mean you forced him to tell you._

 

As it happens, I don't have to wait for the spells to wear off. Penny comes looking for me after class to make sure I'm okay. She didn't need to. I was the one who messed up 'Up, up and away' and catapulted a textbook towards Miss Possibelf's head.

 

She spells me free and for some reason the first words out of my mouth are. "We need to find a counter-spell."

 

"Has he been doing this every time he sees you, then?" She asks, before taking in the crease in my brow and the worry flicking across my face. She knows immediately that I've messed up. "What did you find out?"

 

I just shake my head at her, letting myself collapse back onto my bed. Penny props herself up on Baz's. I don't bother to mention that he won’t like it, he's not coming back tonight. "I don't think our 'no secrets' pact extends to Baz's secrets."

 

Penny just frowns. I can tell she wants to push further, I can tell she wants to know what he could have possibly said that would make _me, his arch-enemy_ keep his secret.

 

He's gay.

 

It's not awful or anything. Not like being a vampire. I've just never considered it before. He's never so much as alluded to it. Telling everyone that he's a vampire is, if anything, a public service announcement. Telling even Penny that he's gay just feels like being a dick. Particularly when he didn't even want to tell me in the first place. Maybe he thought I'd mock him?

 

I wouldn't.

 

But I can see why he might have thought I would.

 

Penelope sighs and leans back into the pillows, glancing over at me. "There isn't a counter-spell Simon. He'll have tried 'nonsense' and 'as you were' and every other generic counterspell in every language he speaks. If he's not broken it already I don't think it _can_ be broken."

 

I turn onto my side to look at her. "Pen, there has to be a counterspell, there has to be something."

 

I don't know why I care so much. Probably because it's my fault. Probably because I know I've gone too far. Probably because I'm getting bored with having no one to argue with here at night.

 

Penny just shakes her head. "No. He just needs to tell you what he's been hiding. Something he wants to tell you. Then it's broken."

 

She makes it sound easy but getting Baz to so much as tell me the time is like pulling teeth. "I don't think he will Pen. Today was the first time I've seen him since it happened."

 

"You mean he's not been here? At all?"

 

"He comes in during classes I think. To shower and steal my homework."

 

Penny snorts. "He's taking your homework. Even hiding out and under a truth spell he's relentless."

 

"Yeah well, it would be nice if he would do it and return it." But when has Baz ever done anything nice for me? He certainly wasn't going to start after this.

 

Penny laughs again. I wish I could laugh too but I have this sinking feeling in my gut that's making it next to impossible for me to do anything but lay here.

 

"Maybe that was it?" She offers up. "Maybe whatever he told you was what he wanted to and now it's done."

 

I just shake my head. "I don't think so Pen." I really doubt what Baz wanted to tell me was that he's gay. It's probably his genius plan to kill me. He's so excited about how extravagant and convoluted it is that he can't wait to share it with the world, but that would ruin the surprise. That's definitely the more likely option. "There's something he keeps going to say as well. He panics and shoves his hand in his mouth to stop himself."

 

The amused smirk that plays across Penny's lips and she raises an eyebrow in a fashion all too reminiscent of Baz. I can't help but wonder if he's spelled his bed to allow him to do that and has somehow passed it on to Penny. It's a stupid thought. Particularly when I know he does it all the time, not just in our room. But the expression is uncanny, and I need something to explain it away.

 

"Well, that's probably it then. Whatever he wants to say."

 

She probably right.

 

I eventually bid Penny good night. She asked to stay, apparently, Trixie has her girlfriend over again. We both knew Baz wasn't going to be coming back tonight. I still told her to go. Usually, she puts up a bit of a fight. Tonight, she didn't. She's scarily perceptive and I think she realised that I just need to be left alone right now. That I need time on my own to mull things over.

 

I don't really. I mean I need time to work out the details, but I know what I need to do.

 

I need to swallow my fucking pride and go apologize to my arch-nemesis, then help him fix this. Hopefully, I can manage that without him eating me first.

 

Crowley, how did we end up here?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As per usual, lemme know if I messed anything up. Particularly the spelling of words (like book specific ones) I did Carry On via audiobook so I mainly rely on other fanfic to see how things are spelt.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey all. Sorry, this is later than usual but as a general rule of thumb, I won't post a new chapter until I have the one after it written and my muse was kinda dead yesterday.
> 
> Also thus far I've been trying to update daily but it's not really maintainable when I'm writing 2-3k words per chapter(NaNo was a slog and that's only 1667 per day). I'll still try to keep updates as regular as I can but they've only been this efficient because I had to wait for the email to join AO3 and that gave me a solid couple of weeks to build up stuff. Regardless, I'll try to update every few days.
> 
> I'm not particularly happy with this chapter so it might get edited later, but I wasn't really sure what it was I needed to fix so...here it is?

**Simon**

I start small. As much as I just want to leave in the middle of class and corner Baz to talk I don't think that's the way to approach this. Or, more accurately, I stopped thinking that was the way to approach this after Penny talked me down from it. (For the third time.)

 

I left a note on his desk instead.

 

_I'm sorry. Can we talk?_

Apparently, my lack of a way with words extends to writing (not that I didn't already know that from years of barely scraping passing grades on essays). That note took me at least six tries to get out. That’s more bloody tries than words.

 

When I returned that afternoon there was a small pile of ash where the note had been.

 

I’d left my homework out for him too since I know he keeps taking it. He didn't this time. He probably only wants it when I'm not giving it to him freely, the prick.

 

I brought him up a plate from breakfast once because he's not been coming to meals. When I got back after dinner the plate was upside down on my bed and there was butter and egg yolk dampening my sheets. I had to get Penny to come spell them clean for me.

 

I considered taking one of the several blankets Baz keeps on his bed, but I'm supposed to be trying to make peace. The last time I nicked one of his blankets was back in third year. He threw my pillow to the merwolves in response.

 

I really am trying to fix this but he's rebuking me at every turn and I'm running out of ideas.

 

He's probably doing all this, so I don't find him in our room. In our room the anathema can protect me from him. This is probably all part of some elaborate plot for him to lure me out and kill me.

 

If that’s what he’s planning so be it. I'll come to him.

 

I try searching for a few days. Attempting to find my way through the catacombs, slicing my way through the Wavering Wood, walking the ramparts at night to see if anyone is wandering the grounds. Nothing. Apparently, it’s not so easy to trail Baz if I can’t just follow him out of our room at night.

 

After three more days and no Baz sightings, I corner Niall. He tells me to piss off before I can even open my mouth.

 

"Just tell him, I'm sorry and I want to talk to him, okay?" I snap at Niall's retreating figure.

 

Nial stops for a second, calling over his shoulder. "He’s your roommate tell him yourself, Chosen One." Of course, Baz has his lackeys calling me that too.

 

For what I think might be the third time in the past several days I'm left standing there, attempting to process. It's not a state of being I like. I don't stop and think, I just do. Right now, though, I don't know what to do.

 

It sounds like Niall actually thinks Baz is hold up in our room, just like he's been telling everyone. Is Baz avoiding him too? From what I can gather Niall is one of Baz’s closest friends. In fact, he’s exactly half of all the friends Baz has in this world, as far as I know. What could Baz be hiding from him?

 

The second I think that two things immediately spring to mind. Vampire. Gay.

 

Crowley, I’m an ass. His friends probably don’t even know.

 

I’m more grateful than ever for a friend like Penny. No secrets, no judgement. Must be shite to not trust your best friend.

 

Speaking of, I should probably go talk to Penny. Turns out she’s let me talk about Baz a lot more when there are advanced spells involved.

 

I'm not sure what to do now, she can probably help. Niall was my last lead and he led me exactly nowhere. I could leave more notes, I suppose, even though Baz will just burn them. I'm definitely not bringing up any more food after what he did to my sheets. I've restocked my snack stashes though, I know he's been taking them, I'm sure he'll stop when he realises I'm letting him.

 

I consider giving up, but I've never really been one to give up.

 

 

**Baz**

Snow has been leaving notes and food around our room for the past few days. I don't fully understand what's happening right now. I think he feels guilty. He's probably horrified that he made me out myself to him. Really, I'm not that concerned about that. I'm gay, I accepted that long ago and I'm not ashamed of it.

 

It doesn’t matter if Snow knows either. Well, it does, but only because if he ever manages to grow a second brain cell he might realise how I feel about him. Just the fact that he knows I’m gay though? That doesn’t matter. It’s not going to be the catalyst he needs to fall in love with me, I’m not that deluded. He hated me when he thought I was straight, he’ll still hate me now that he knows I’m gay. I’ll make sure of it.

 

No, I'm not avoiding him because he knows I'm gay. I'm avoiding him because it was the last secret I have that will come out of my mouth ahead of 'I love you' when he asks an ambiguous open-ended question about what I'm hiding. One more of those and it's over.

 

I'm not getting anywhere with this spell though. I can't get rid of it and it's not fading. I'm going to have to stop avoiding him eventually.

 

It's almost endearing that he continues to persist with getting me to come back, even after I dumped a plate of breakfast food on his bed. Well, it _is_ endearing, right up until I remember he only wants to get me to come back so he can pry yet more secrets out of me.

 

I see him wandering through the catacombs at night as well, looking for me presumably. If he was half the magician he should be, he’d be able to dispel my concealment spells with ease. He can’t though, thank Crowley. I messed with him a little at first, I’d topple over piles of skulls not far from where he was. He’d jump and get that sword out and call my name into the darkness. It wasn’t a question, not really, even when he said it like one, so I never had to answer. Really if he weren’t a complete idiot he’d just walk about yelling and asking where I was.

 

Still, I think it's time I return to our room. On my terms, of course. Before the Mage comes after me for being a vampire. Before Snow or Bunce or fucking Wellbelove, manages to corner me. I'm going to have to face the music eventually but I'm pretty much the best musician Watford has so I'll be damned if I don't get to play my part to perfection right up until the final note.

 

Even though acting like nothing happened and casting **Cat** **Got Your Tongue** on Snow every time he opens his mouth isn’t the best plan, it’s the only plan I've got right now. I just can't keep doing this. It's making me look weak. Pitches don't look weak. Even if it’s just Snow, and I suppose Bunce, who really knows what’s going on its still fucking weakness and it ends now.

 

 I'll keep avoiding my classes, of course. As long as I keep getting glances at Snow's homework I can figure out what’s going on in class and it’ll be like I never left. There are classes I don’t have with him, yes, but I can always sort those out later, it shouldn’t be too hard to catch up.

 

I go to sleep for a few hours, with my wand tucked under my pillow in case Snow decides to wake me up for an interrogation. He shouldn't be able to, I'll be up before classes are over. But knowing him and knowing my luck, he'll get sent out of class for another colossal fuck up. Better safe than sorry.

 

**Simon**

Agatha keeps asking after Baz. The concern in her voice should make my blood boil, but right now it just doesn't. I don't know why.

 

Other people have been asking after Baz too. Penny says everyone’s starting to think I've offed him. I can't blame them. We actively fought for years and one of us is going to have to kill the other at the end of all this, it would make sense to try and get the other out of the way now. I always thought it would be Baz who sped up the process. He’s certainly tried.

 

I never thought I'd be thankful for Dev and Niall. They just keep assuring everyone that Baz is fine. Granted they do it by telling people I don't have the bollocks or the skill to kill Baz. They might be right but I'm sure as shit not admitting that.

 

I just tell everyone that Baz won’t talk to me at all, which is _technically_ true.

 

Or at least it was.

 

 I push open the door to our room and he's just sitting there at his desk like he never left. He's got a stack of notes beside him and the book propped open before him. He glances up when he hears to door open.

 

I open my mouth to apologise.

 

He gets there first. " **Cat Got Your Tongue."**

My jaw just moves uselessly up and down as I try to talk. I silently groan and run my hands through my hair, grabbing a fist of it in each as I collapse back into my bed.

 

I don't know why I've spent so long trying to get Baz back. Now that he's here all I want him to do is leave again.

 

After several moments of sulking at my predicament, an idea dawns on me. I all but tear open my school bag as I grab out a notebook and pen. Scrawling a quick ' _I'm sorry'_ on it before holding it up to Baz.

 

He doesn't look at me.

 

I glare at him, angrily jabbing a hand towards the sign with my free hand.

 

He still doesn't look at me.

 

So, I just stand there, fuming and pointing at the sign while the smell of smoke slowly fills the room. I've waited days to say this to him, I'm swallowing my fucking pride here and he won’t even look at me.

 

He sighs and runs a hand through his hair, brushing it back out of his face and looking even more comically vampiric. "Snow, if there's a question mark on that piece of paper when I look at you, I will not be held responsible for the decision to burn it and you to a crisp."

 

I don't move, and he slowly looks up, wand in hand. His eyes flicker from the text to me. "Your handwriting is atrocious, Snow." He says before turning his attention back to the book.

 

I turn the book around, adding a down arrow between the words and writing ' _really'_ next to it.

 

His eyes look to me immediately this time. "Apology not accepted. No amount of you being sorry is going to help me break whatever this spell is."

 

I deflate for a moment before I actually realise what he's said. I quickly flip to the next page of the book. ‘ _The truth will set you free.’_

He's still looking at me this time when I turn to book back to face him. He raises an eyebrow at me in that stupid, perfect way he does. "Snow, we're going outside."

 

I go to ask why but the words aren't coming out, so I settle for giving him a confused look and tilting my head slightly to the side.

 

He must get the message because he says, "The anathema can't protect you outside," as he gets out of his chair.

 

I furiously scribble down on the page again.

 

_Its the name of the spell dickhead._

Baz just takes a pen off his desk and reaches over making a couple of marks on the page. I frown and stare at it for a few moments. He’s added an apostrophe to the ‘it’s’ and put a comma before ‘dickhead’. I'm suddenly tempted to take him up on that offer of going outside.

 

Instead, I just huff, tossing the book into the air. He catches it, the prick. I wasn't throwing it _to him,_ I just throwing it.

 

Then he turns away from me without so much as a word of thanks and goes back to Penny's book.

 

It doesn't take all that long before the spell wears off and my voice returns. It _feels_ like a long time, though. I don’t let him know I can speak again. I've more to tell him. I could have just gotten more paper I suppose, but part of me wanted to spite him for being such an ass.

 

I know he'll just try to spell me the second I open my mouth. So, while I attempt to do my Greek homework I try to figure out exactly what I'm going to say. Hopefully, I'll be able to get it out fast enough to stop him spelling me again.

 

"Penny says there's no counterspell." The words come out all in one breath. Baz has his wand in his hand and has turned to me. "I'm trying to help-."

 

The protest dies on my lips as Baz casts another. " **Cat Got Your Tongue."**

 

I groan silently and shoot him a glare. Why does he insist on making it so difficult to help him?

 

"Bunce isn't top of our year." He reminds me, smirking in a way that would tell me exactly who was even if I didn't already know. "If there is a spell I'll find it. If there isn't I'll make it."

 

I walk over and scoop my notebook back up off his desk. He lets me, I'm a little surprised by that.

 

_You just need to tell me whatever it is you want to tell me. That's how you break the spell._

I drop it back in front of him and he raises an eyebrow at me. "Yes Snow, I'm aware."

 

_Then just tell me._

I'm about to show him the notebook again but then I hesitate. Will that trigger the spell? It would make things easier. But Baz already wants to kill me as it is and I think I’ve done enough harm by forcing him to tell me things.

 

I scribble out the words.

 

_~~Then just tell me.~~ _

_Whatever it is, you can tell me if you want._

He doesn't respond, he just shakes his head, dislodging a few strands of hair from where he had them swept back.

 

I try again. Writing slowly this time, choosing my words carefully. He silently watches me the entire time, it’s a little unsettling.

 

_I don't care that you're gay, I haven't told anyone, though._

_I already know you're a vampire._

_Whatever else there is it's fine._

__

I underline the word fine several times just to be clear. He glances from the page up to me. His stormy grey eyes meet mine. The strands of dark hair falling across his face only serve to make them look more like the depths of the ocean than ever. Dangerous, unknowable depths, left unexplored because you know once you get down there you'll be unable to resurface, you'll just have to drown.

 

I think maybe I’m drowning right now because he holds my gaze and I'm almost glad he's spelled me silent. I don't know what to say right now. I'm not sure I could say anything, spell or no. 

 

"And who have you told that I'm a vampire, Snow?" His voice is cold. "Bunce, obviously. Wellbelove too. The rest of the cohort? Your precious Mage?"

 

_Just Penny._

He blinks for a second at the paper in front of him. Then to me. "I don't believe you." He says simply, and I know it's true. Everything he says is true.

 

I just stare at him for a few moments, like I can glare him into believing me.

 

"Why?"

 

I want to answer, but _I don't know_ why. I'm sure he can't think of a reason why either. So, I just shrug.

 

Apparently, he's decided this conversation is over, he just goes back to his work. I give another silent sigh and cross back to my side of the room.

 

**Baz**

I'm not entirely sure what Snow's game is here.

 

He really seems apologetic. Can't imagine why, I've been nothing but awful to him ever since we met. I'm still awful to him _now._ The spell allows for a certain level of manoeuvring, I discovered that in my time alone. I can't threaten him, not directly, because I'd never hurt him, not really. The fact that the bloody spell knows that means I'm all the more shafted when we inevitably fight.

 

What I can do is imply that I'll hurt him. It takes a bit of the punch out, telling him I 'won’t be held responsible' for doing something, or saying the anathema can't protect him outside. I doubt he’ll notice though. He's not that good with words himself though, so it’s unlikely he'll pick up on the slight shift in mine.

 

Really what has my interest piqued though is that he didn't tell The Mage I'm a vampire. At least, he said he didn't. I'm not entirely sure I believe him, but at the same time I can't think of a reason for him to lie. Surely this is the optimal time to drag me up to The Mage's office and force a confession out of me. The spell he did isn't _technically_ illegal, even if it was I doubt The Mage would do anything about it. Snow's too valuable to him.

 

If it came down to it and I had to make a choice between telling Snow I love him and admitting to The Mage that I'm a vampire I'm not sure what I'd do. Both things would damage my family, they'd be livid. No, better just to immolate myself and save my family (and myself) the shame brought on by that conversation.

 

Snow had also said he didn't mind that I was gay, hadn't he? I mean, I thought I didn't care what he thought of it. That’s what I told myself. Apparently, this spell can't stop you from lying to yourself. At least there's one thing about this that isn't as awful as it could have been.

 

It's not a profession of love, or affection or even attraction. It is something though.

 

 It's also nothing.

 

It _means_ nothing, but I still breathed a sigh of relief when he told me he didn’t care.

 

Snow exits the bathroom, tousling his wet hair with a towel.

 

 I cast **Cat Got Your Tongue** on him yet again without looking up.

 

He’s definitely pouting but I don't look at him, not properly. I don't need to, I have him memorised. The way his pyjama bottoms hang low on his hips, the spattering of freckles running up his torso, the gold cross hanging from his neck. I know exactly what he looks like by now. I still _want_ to look at him though. How could I not?

 

As it happens, he makes me.

 

He picks up that stupid notebook up off the floor. He'd left it on my desk, so I'd shoved it off. He takes one of my pens too. I'm tempted to snatch it back, but I don't.

 

_Goodnight._

He holds it up to me. I just raise an eyebrow at him., I'm good at that.

 

He's never wished me goodnight before. Well, he tried to, once, on our first night in Watford. I told him it would only be a good night for me if he didn't wake up tomorrow morning. He never tried it again.

 

He's trying now though, meeting my gaze, waiting for me to say something. I just roll my eyes and go back to focusing on my research.

 

He might be trying but I won’t. Even if he's standing there shirtless, well aware that I am both gay and a vampire, looking like the most delicious thing on the planet (He's probably not aware of that latter part, the idiot, but he's still doing it). So, either he _really_ doesn’t care, or he has no common sense.

 

I know for a fact he has no common sense, so it’s almost definitely that.

 

But what if it’s not?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not sure how I feel about the note format I've given Simon in this, so if the italics aren't working for anyone just let me know and I'll try and find a different solution.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I think I figured out what my problem was with this chapter and the last. In all my attempts to avoid defanging Baz (no pun intended), I'd accidentally done it to Simon. In trying to reverse that, instead of this chapter being 2-3k words, it's nearly 5k because I like to do chapters by narrative milestone. Next one will certainly not be as long. It's shaping up to a bit under 3k.  
> Anyways, enjoy!

**Baz**

I'm still hold up in our room because I can't go out for obvious reasons. I sleep during the day while Snow's in class because I don't want him getting the drop on me with another bloody question. It makes me feel more like your stereotypical vampire than ever. I think it amuses Snow.

 

Speaking of my particular affliction, The Mage hasn't come knocking. Yet. Maybe Snow really hasn't told him I'm a vampire. After years of trying his damnedest to convince everyone it's true he's given up the second he knows it for sure. Sometimes Snow doesn't make any sense. Most of the time Snow doesn't make any sense.

 

I'd like to say that's the most surreal thing about this whole experience, that Snow hasn't told everyone I'm a vampire, it's not though.

 

Simon Snow brings me food back from meals. Or breakfast and dinner anyway, I'm asleep at lunch. Apparently, his guilt over what he did to me is more powerful than his overwhelming desire to consume every scrap of food in his immediate vicinity.

 

I still spell him. I cast **Cat Got Your Tongue** the second I hear the door open. He always gets in a huff, but he gives me the food anyway.

 

He's been handing in assignments for me too and making excuses. I'm not sure exactly what he's been telling the teachers my reason for not being in class is, but I'm sure it's not pleasant.

 

We still fight over whether the window stays open or closed at night. I win now since I'm the one who's up and awake.

 

I'm always working as well, on homework, on assignments, on fixing this fucking spell. I leave the light on, so I can see my papers. Even vampires need light to read in the dark, my night vision is good but it's not that good. Luckily leaving the light on annoys the hell out of Snow. He shoves his head under the blankets but can only stay there for a few minutes because it gets too hot for him with the closed window. He tries to argue, via written notes of course, but I just tell him if he doesn't like it he can go sleep in the catacombs like I did. He just grumbles and goes back to bed after that. 

 

He usually manages to fall asleep while I'm out hunting. When I get back and turn on the light he doesn't stir. It obviously wasn't bothering him that much then. It's nice though, I get to have a proper stare at him then. His full brilliance is up close and illuminated in a way I only used to get to see when we'd brawl.

 

I miss his voice, I always spell it away. I have to, so he can't ask questions. I miss it though. I usually wait in the mornings, until he at least attempts to talk, so I can hear those first few words. That's all I can allow myself.

 

Despite all this, I think there's actually less animosity between us than usual. Well, for me anyway, I'm still as much of an ass to him as ever, he just can't fight back properly anymore. We're in our room so he can't hit me if I annoy him. He can never talk so we don't argue as much, and when we do he has to stop and write things down, it gives him a bit of time to cool off. Really the only thing he can do to hurt me anymore is to go off.

 

Well, going off is the only thing he _knows_ he can do to hurt me. Because he doesn't know it hurts whenever he hands me a plate of food out of guilt and pity. Because he doesn't know it hurts when he tells me he's going out to spend the day with Bunce and fucking Wellbelove. Because he doesn't know every kind thing he does and every word he scrawls out just so we can talk completely destroys me.

 

Crowley, I'm pathetic.

 

There have been a few slip-ups on my part. He'll ask pointless questions that really shouldn't have answers that reach into the depths of my soul. But he's right there and he's asking them and apparently, all my fucking thoughts revolve around Simon bloody Snow, so when I answer them something stupid and soppy comes out. I try to play it off every time, but I've still said something and there's nothing I can do to take it back.

 

I can only hope he's forgotten about it.

 

**Simon**

As per usual every bloody thing Baz says plays in my head on repeat. Except now instead of 'you're the worst chosen one ever to be chosen'. It's things like 'How are you so shit at astrology? Ursa minor is on the back of your hand, you numpty.'

 

He never says these things nicely. He spits them out through gritted teeth like it physically pains him to do so. I don't think he'd have done it at all though if it weren't for the spell.

 

I didn't mean to ask him. Well, I had, but I hadn't asked him _that._ I'd been struggling through my astrology homework, so I'd slid a note in front of him.

 

_How do you tell the difference between Ursa Minor and Lyra?_

We had a silent agreement that I didn't ask any questions. I didn't think it would hurt though. Whenever I remind him that Penny says the only way out of this is for him to tell me whatever he wants to, he reminds me that he’s top of the class (the arrogant prick). So, I thought maybe I'd take advantage of that and the spell. Also, he'd been acting like more of a prick than usual since he came back and I'd handed in his Magic Words essay earlier that day, so I felt a little entitled to some help.

 

He glared at me while he spoke. He'd told me Ursa Minor was basically on the back of my hand and Lyra was on the opposite shoulder. I’m not sure _how_ he knew that my shirt sleeve was covering it. Then he told me that only someone as dumb as me would think those two constellations looked similar.

 

Midway through the explanation he picked up my notebook, opened the window and frisbeed it into the moat. I had a semester's worth of notes in there too. I'll probably have to nick his when he finally goes back to classes.

 

There had been other instances too. Never quite nice moments. But they were nice words even if they were littered with curses and spat at me with as much venom as Baz could muster.

 

There was that afternoon he just glared at me when I came back.

 

 _What have I done to piss you off now?_ I'd written.

 

"Your hair shouldn't look that nice in the sunset given you do fuck all to take care of it."

 

He turned a bit red at that. I turned _very_ red. We didn't speak for the rest of the night.

 

Then there was the time I'd written a note asking if he wanted anything specific from breakfast.

 

"Nothing." He'd said.

 

I'd asked why. (I shouldn't have)

 

He'd said that 'the chosen one' was too good to be bringing him breakfast.

 

That one had hurt a little. The words were dripping with sarcasm, but they had to be true. He wouldn't be able to say them if they weren't.  I _shouldn't_ be bringing him food because he's my enemy, not because I'm 'too good for him' or whatever it is he thinks. I'd always thought Baz thought _he_ was better than _me_ , not the other way around. Probably because he _is_ better than me, at almost everything.

 

 

Even though he was mad and snarling and swore at me, I just keep playing these little scenes over in my head. I don't know why. Maybe because they're the closest thing to something nice he's ever said to me. I get a weird feeling in the pit of my stomach at that, like the thought of Baz being nice to me makes me physically ill. Except it's not really a bad feeling.

 

Either way, I ignore it, I don't want to deal with whatever that is right now. It’s time for dinner anyway and that’s always an excellent distraction.

 

 

I walk over to Baz's desk and place a hand on the back of his chair. I'm certain he hears me coming, he still jumps a little, though. I enjoy that, the fact that I just made Baz Pitch jump.

 

"What do you want now, Snow?" He snaps, turning his head slightly to look up at me.

 

I lean over him slightly and pick up his discarded pen. He visibly shifts away from me. I consider moving more towards him and seeing if I can make him topple off the chair. I don't. I just press the pen to his page and scribble a quick, ' _I'm going to dinner now_ ', in the margin.

 

"Snow, I'm not The Mage, you don't need my approval for every little thing you do."

 

I don't need The Mage's approval for everything I do. I barely even see The Mage nowadays. I’d like to, but I don’t.

 

_Prick._

He sneers at me and gestures towards the door. "Permission granted, Snow. You are excused."

 

And then something inside of me breaks.

 

All those almost-fights where I literally was unable to get a word in, every cruel word he’s said, every rebuked peace offering. It all bubbles to the surface.

 

I grit my teeth and I know the smell of smoke is filling the room. Penny says it feels like it claws at the inside of your throat, but Baz doesn't appear to feel it at all. He just levels me with a glare.

 

"Fuck you." I snap at him, slamming my hand down against his desk.

 

I don't think Baz keeps track of time properly, he spells me whenever I start to speak, not when the spell wears off. He's drawing his wand now, but I snatch it from him.

 

I think it's about time I say my piece.

 

**Baz**

When Snow grabs my wand, I think for a moment that he's going to snap it in half he's that angry.

 

I'm ashamed he's managed to get it off me at all frankly, he caught me off guard. I've gotten too used to him taking things lying down. Or as lying down as he can. That's how things go. He starts to get angry, I spell him, he sits down and has to write out his rage and it calms him some, I think. Or maybe he's just had all this brewing in him for the past three days and now he's going to go off in our fucking room.

 

"Fuck you, Baz." He says. Again. Really, I hope there's a bit more to this rant than that. He's blustering again, stumbling over word after word as he tries to figure out what to say.

 

I lean back in my chair, folding my arms across my chest and raise an eyebrow at him. That only makes him angrier.

 

"You're always such a prick!" He turns away from me and kicks at the chair under his own desk. It skids halfway across the room before falling over.  "I'm fucking trying here Baz! I haven't told The Mage you're a vampire. I've been bringing your fucking food and handing in your work and trying to help you fix this and-." I don't think he knows what to say next because he just lets out an exasperated shout.

 

"You done yet, Snow, or are you just going to keep standing there sputtering?" I poke at him because even though it's the opposite of what he wants me to do and even though he's yelling at me, I've missed the sound of his voice and I like the intensity in his eyes and I'm not sure I want it to stop.

 

He lets out another howl of frustration and for a second, I think he might hit me. He marches back over to me and bends over slightly, getting in my face. Maybe I'd like that if he wasn't snapping like a rabid dog right now.

 

"No. No, I am fucking not. You've had me spelled silent for three bloody days Baz, three days." He holds up three fingers as if it’s _me_ who can't count that high without a visual aid, instead of him. "So shut up and listen for five minutes. Because you haven’t shut up but you never say thank you, you never say anything unless it’s an insult. I'm fucking sick of it!"

 

He's not asked me a question yet, somehow in his mess of a rant, he's not asked me a question. But that can only go on so long.

 

"You're right," I say softly, looking away from him.

 

He's taken aback by this evidently because he stammers out. "What?"

 

And I take this opportunity to snatch my wand back out of his softening grip. And then I look back at him and sneer. "You're right, Snow." The words aren't soft this time, they're cold and they're angry and he takes a step back. "And you know what? I'm not going to say thank you or pat you on the head or sing songs of your kindness or whatever the fuck it is you think you deserve."

 

"I don't-" He starts but I stand up, taking advantage of those extra three inches I have on him and I cut him off.

 

"No, Snow, you've had your pathetic little rant, now it's my turn." I take a step towards him and he doesn't move, he just glares up at me as I press on. "I didn't ask you to do any of those things, you _decided_ to. Just because you expect everyone to applaud you for cleaning up your own fucking mess doesn't mean they have to, Chosen One."

 

I can feel his magic rising and see the shimmer of it around his body. I think he might actually go off. I'm not fucking done though so that's a risk I'm just going to have to take.

 

"You only know I'm a vampire because _you made me tell you._ You only bring me food because I can't go to fucking dinner. I only spell you silent because you can't think before you speak and keep asking bloody questions."

 

He's not backing down. "Those last two are _your_ choices." He growls at me through gritted teeth.

 

"Oh yes, Snow, blame me for taking actions to protect my privacy and my dignity, that I only _need_ to do because you made it so. You made your bed Snow, now you have to fucking lie in it.” I think maybe I was wrong about there being less animosity between us, it seems, we’re just as volatile as ever. “Just because you refuse to take responsibility for your actions doesn't mean you don't have to suffer the consequences of them."

 

"No one would have to suffer any consequences if you just bloody told me whatever it is you want to." He says as if I need reminding. "Because I don't care what you say Baz, I don't think you're going to come up with a counterspell, top of the year or no. _You_ can fucking fix this, so just do it."

 

I hear the laugh that bubbles up from my throat, it’s mocking and cruel and it’s entirely fake. I take another step towards Snow, because I want to and because it's more dramatic this way. We're nearly chest to chest now. I can feel his breath ghosting over my face. I can feel his magic under my skin, it’s intoxicating and terrifying in equal measure.

 

I've not been yelling like Snow, I've been calm and cold because usually, it makes it seem like I'm winning. I drop my voice quieter now, it's almost a whisper. "Are you really so dumb as to not have figured it out, Snow?" He looks confused for a second. Confused and enraged, it's an amusing combination that I’ve seen often on Snow’s beautiful features. "Of course, there's another way to break this spell. I’m bound by a spell that makes me speak the truth until such time as I tell the caster anything I want to tell them. What’s there to be bound by if there is no caster to tell?" I pause there and let the words sink in.

 

Snow takes a step away from me at that, his magic is fading, I think he's more panicked than mad right now. He opens his mouth to say something, but nothing comes out.

 

"You want thanks for all the _nice,"_ I fill the word with sarcasm," things you've done for me? That's how I say thanks. Because I could solve all my problems right now. I could solve all of yours too. All I'd have to do is corner you on the way back from dinner, drain you dry and then let the merwolves tear apart your corpse." The idea makes me sick quite frankly, but I can say it because it's true. It _would_ solve all our problems, or most of them at least.

 

Snow is still trying to speak but it's not so much words as just sounds.

 

So, I leave him there, I turn around and settle back down at my desk and continue my work.

 

"Fuck you." Snow says as he leaves, and I know by now that that means he thinks I’ve won.

 

I haven’t won though. Because I agree with him. Because he’s right. I know I’m being too harsh on him. I know how to fix this. I know he is trying to help. And maybe, if I stopped fighting him so much, we could fix this. Not just the spell. All of this. If I stopped fighting him maybe we could fix _us._

 

But I can’t do that.

**Simon**

I'm done apologising to him. It never makes a difference anyway. Half the time I think he _wants_ to be mad at me.

 

No. This ends here.

 

I've done what I can. I've been nice to my enemy of seven years and all he's done is throw it back in my face, so I'm done. No more food, no more handed in assignments, no more letting him leave the window closed at night.

 

I think I might just ask him what it is he’s hiding. It'll be easier that way. He already hates me. He’s obviously very determined to keep hating me. So, I might as well.

 

I'm pretty sure there's still magic seeping out everywhere as I enter the dining hall. Penny's not in our usual spot. I scan the room. Penny isn't anywhere by the looks of it. It wouldn't be the first time I've gotten to a meal before her, so I think nothing more of it. It would have been nice to have her here to calm me down though, to have someone to rant to. Even when I've exceeded my Baz quota for the day she lets me vent when I get like this.

 

In lieu of Penny, I go to one of the other things that always calms me, roast beef. I make myself up a plate, stacked higher than I probably should, but I'll eat it all, I always do. Baz can get fucked if he thinks he's getting anything tonight.

 

I briefly consider sitting with Agatha, but she's not sitting where we usually do and I'm not sure I want to talk to her right now. We're still friends but it's weird when we don't have Penny around to act as a buffer. Even if Penny has no sensitivity towards the situation what so ever.

 

I don't though, I just go and take a seat where we usually sit, tucking into my food and trying to simmer down from my rage a little.

 

He's such an ass. Not killing me isn't the same as doing something nice. And I do try to take responsibility for my actions, what does he think I've been doing for the past two weeks? I don't expect applause I just expect him to not be a dick.

 

But as I run through all the things he just said to me, I _know_ he thinks they're true, because he _has to_.

 

And suddenly I don't feel like roast beef anymore.

 

I push my plate away with a groan, folding my arms across the table and resting my head on them.

 

It shouldn't matter what Baz thinks of me. It _doesn't_ matter what Baz thinks of me. But it does. It matters to me.

 

Every word he said made me angry. It hurt as well.

 

Like it hurt the time he told me I was too good for him. That made me angry too because it's not fucking true and he knows it. Or he doesn't know it, but he should.

 

It didn't hurt when he told me how nice my hair looked in the sunset though. It made me feel a bit sick. Disgusted, maybe? Not quite. Like a punch to the gut a little? Definitely. Baz has punched me in the gut more than his fair share of times. It felt a little like heartburn as well. Baz has never given me that but I’m sure he would if he could.

 

I felt it when I leant over him to write too, the tugging at my chest and the churning of my stomach. I didn't need to do that. I have other notebooks I could have written in. I wanted to though. I wanted to lean over Baz's shoulder and write something in his notes.

 

Penny still isn't here, I pop my head up out of the darkness of my forearms (and more importantly out of my thoughts), looking around the room. No witch-y glasses, no vibrant hair, no sweeping capes.

 

My eyes fall on Agatha for a moment and she looks up. I go to smile at her and then I freeze, eyes widening.

 

And suddenly, I realise where I’ve felt this mixture of emotions before.

 

Well, shit.

 

**Baz**

 

Somehow, I don’t think Snow is bringing me dinner tonight. Maybe I’ll go down to Cook Pritchard and get some of those scones he likes so much and then eat them all myself. That might cheer me up a little.

 

Snow is at dinner, so he’ll certainly cheer up a little. Until he gets back here and I sour his mood again. I wonder bitterly if Wellbelove’s eating with him again.

 

I'm not sure what the relationship status of Watford’s golden couple is right now, it changes so often it’s hard to keep up at the best of times. I've not seen another person except for Snow for nearly a fortnight now so I've not heard any of the regular gossip and it's not like Snow gives me regular updates on his personal life.

 

I'm getting nowhere with this spell. Absolutely nowhere. There isn't a counterspell, I can't just make one either, no matter what I keep telling Snow. It's hopeless.

 

He's just left, he's not here right now. So, I allow myself to let out a low groan and tilt my head forward until it rests on the desk.

 

I'm going to have to tell him. I can't keep this up so I'm going to have to tell him. I've known that for a while, though. I'm glad Snow hasn't asked me again if I'm plotting because quite frankly I have been. Plotting about how to get out of this bloody situation with as much of my dignity and sanity as I can retain.

 

I hear the door open again. Snows’ just left, though, surely even on a good day he can’t consume half his body weight in food in under ten minutes.

 

I look up and raise my wand, ready for whatever stupid point he’s decided is important enough to sprint out of dinner to tell me. It’s not him though. “He just left,” I say as Penelope Bunce looks over at me through those ridiculous glasses of hers.

 

"I know." She says as if she’s exactly where she's supposed to be. I'm not even sure how she _can_ be here. Girls aren't able to get into the boy’s rooms. Well, most of them aren’t at least.

 

Bunce walks over to Snow's bed and perches on the edge of it, facing me. I turn my chair to face her in return, tossing her book across the room and into her lap. There's nothing useful in it anyway. I could spell her, but she's not Snow, she might actually beat me to it. I could cast **Stand Your Ground** and go get someone because she’s not supposed to be here, but I’m interested to see where this goes. So I just watch her, waiting to figure out what it is she's up to.

 

"You need to put a stop to this." She tells me as if I don't already know that. "You can't keep sending Simon to class mute." That I might keep doing anyway.

 

"Why not? The school is probably safer for it and it's not like he knows how to use it." I retort and Bunce ignores me.

 

"Whatever it is you should just tell him."

 

"Really Bunce, if it was something I _should_ tell him, I would have done it by now." It's the truth. I know it, she knows it, I'm sure Snow will know it the second he meets up with her again.

 

Obviously, I _am_ going to have to tell him. But having Bunce trudge in here and tell me to do what I've already resolved to do makes me want to drag this out more just to spite her.

 

She wants to just ask me what it is, that’s obvious. I'm not entirely sure why she isn't. I'm grateful for whatever is stopping her though.

 

"He's really not told everyone you're a vampire."

 

"Good to know."

 

She narrows her eyes at me. "He's not even told me what the second thing was."

 

I'm tempted to ask her what his reaction to all that was. I don't though. It doesn't matter, and I'd only be setting myself up for disappointment. So, I just don't say anything.

 

"There isn't a counterspell." She reiterates the thoughts that have been going around in my head.

 

"I know."

 

"You can't make one."

 

"I know."

 

"You're going to have to tell-."

 

I cut her off. "Crowley, Bunce, I fucking know."

 

"Then fucking do it, Baz." She echoes back at me. Then she stops for a second and when she speaks again her voice is a little softer. "He's trying you know. He's trying to figure out how to fix this, he's trying to get _me_ to figure out how to fix this. We can't though, only you can fix this."

 

I need to be more careful with my words around Bunce than Snow, she's not half as dim as him.

 

 In all honesty, I've been milking this a little. I'm always stuck inside and I’m falling behind on classes, but Snow brings me food and dotes on me a little. He lets me have my way with things. It's also nice to have at least some of my secrets out in the open. Knowing I don’t have to hide them, knowing that for the most part, he doesn't care.

 

I’m pretty sure all that fell apart earlier tonight anyway, so it is time to tell him.

 

"Don't you have an idiot to go babysit?" Is all I say because I don't really want to comment on her words. Snow is probably only so desperate to fix this to get me out of our room, so he can have some time to himself again.

 

Bunce just huffs at me, scoops up her book and makes for the door. "You have to tell him." She reminds me on her way out.

 

"You have to go stop him from burning down the dining hall when he tries to warm up his food."

 

And yes, I have to tell him.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> General note, a self-aware Simon is something I don't really have an in book/canon reference point for because he basically went straight from realising his feelings to in a relationship. So from here on out, friends, we are in choppy waters regarding what is or isn't OOC. I'm more than happy to hear any input on that in this or future chapters. Though I do already have the next one written up and it's 90% Simon dealing with his feelings, everything is editable if you make a good case.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, I wanted to have this out yesterday but it ended up with a bit of a last-minute rewrite and also I'm back at uni so time isn't really something I have a multitude of right now. Updates will still be relatively regular though I promise!

**Simon**

I'm not stupid.

 

Baz tells me at every opportunity he gets that I'm stupid, or thick, or moronic. He creates half those opportunities himself really.

 

He still tells me, even while under this spell. It shouldn't hurt, knowing my enemy thinks I'm stupid, it does though. Maybe that’s why he was always so good at provoking me?

 

I'm not good as good at magic as Baz is, or anything else really, but that doesn't mean I'm stupid, not about everything.

 

I half wish I was right now. I wish I didn't understand what I'm feeling. But I do. I knew it when I felt it for Agatha. I know it now that I'm feeling it for Baz.

 

Merlin and Morgana, it had to be fucking Baz, didn't it?

 

I not entirely sure what _it_ is, exactly. Attraction? Infatuation? Desire? Want? All I know is apparently I fancy Baz.

 

Crowley, it sounds wrong to even think those words.

 

I can't help but wonder if this is all some elaborate plot. Find out about me trying to spell him. It doesn't work. He pretends it does and then uses it to say nice things to me, (albeit not in a nice way). I develop feelings for him. He uses them to destroy me.

 

For once the idea that this is all some plot of Baz's is comforting. Which probably means it isn’t true.

 

I'm not stupid.

 

I know feelings like this don't just appear out of thin air. Baz talking about my hair or the freckles and moles across my skin didn't make this happen. Baz being in our room more often didn't make this happen. Baz being gay didn't make this happen.

 

Does this make _me_ gay?

 

I'm not going to think about that right now. I can't _not_ think about Baz right now. But I _can_ not think about that.

 

Maybe I am stupid?

 

How long has it taken me to realise this? It’s obviously been happening for a while. I've always been obsessed with Baz though, I just thought it was because I hated him.

 

_Do_ I hate him?

 

I guess not.

 

I'll talk this over with Penny tomorrow. When she finally showed up to dinner I'd considered talking to her. When we'd been walking the grounds and talking, I'd considered it. When we'd bid each other goodnight, I'd considered it. I didn't do it though.

 

 How do you even broach that topic with your best friend? ' _Hey Penny, you know all those years I spent stalking Baz because I thought he was up to something? It might also have been because I had a massive crush on him.'_

 

Crowley, I'd never hear the end of it.

 

I could talk this over with Baz now, he's sitting right there.

 

I'm lying in bed, sheets completely thrown off because he's got the bloody window closed, unable to sleep because the light is on. He's not looking at me. He's doing school work again I think. I don't know where he's put Penny's book but I hope he hasn't thrown it into the moat, like he did with mine.

 

I know I said I wouldn't let him keep the window closed anymore but right now I have more pressing things on my mind, I don't think I could get to sleep anyway.

 

I didn't bring him dinner at least, that’s something of a victory. In fact, when Penny came down and saw I wasn't eating my roast beef, she told me I should either eat it or bring it to him so it wouldn't go to waste. Obviously, I ate it all. This was all after she made a show of marking 'the day Simon didn't want to eat everything in sight' in her daily planner.

 

Baz has propped his head up on his hand, slender fingers cupping his jaw while he works. I'd like to run _my_ fingers along his jaw. And through his hair. It looks so soft, brushing gently against the back of his hand. I'd like to run my fingers along his hand too, then take it in mine and never let go.

 

And now I’d like to slap myself for thinking that.

 

I've been having these annoying thoughts for the past few hours as I lay in bed watching him work. I've tried to stay mad, but I'm struggling. Not because I like Baz, I'm pretty sure his ability to provoke me will remain forever unparalleled. No, I'm just, confused, I think. And worried. And a little upset at this whole situation.

 

How long has this been going on?

 

Is it a plot?

 

How did I end up fancying someone who hates me?

 

The spell's worn off again. I can feel it. He probably thinks I'm asleep. I consider asking him to turn out the light before he spells me. I don't.

 

He's in a mood, not icy rage like when we fought, it's more like he's agitated and tense. Maybe I got to him more than I thought but I doubt it. If it was me who'd done this, he wouldn't be letting it slip at all. He's trying not to let it slip now but I can tell. Partially because I'm watching him so closely, but also partially because I've been watching him closely for years. Sometimes he slides his hand up from his cheek till his index and middle finger rest on his temple and then he lets out a little breath. It’s the same thing he does on the rare occasions he struggles with a homework question.

 

 How am I just now realising I fancy him?

 

I shouldn't ask him questions while he's under this spell, (or in this mood) it's awful and an invasion privacy. He doesn't even have that much privacy to begin with given we live together. But he's right here and he's making me feel a lot of things rights now and I need to know.

 

"Baz, do you hate me?"

 

If he'd spun around any faster, I think he might have snapped his own neck.

 

I immediately regret my decision, I'm so sure I set myself up for disappointment.

 

I'm not disappointed though.

 

"No." He says the word like it burns him. Like he'll burn me for making him say it. He still says it though.

 

He's raising his wand again. I used to fear that sight a little, now I've become so accustomed to it, it's more like a minor annoyance. I'm not sure I could be annoyed right now if I tried. I'm grinning at him, despite his rage, despite whatever it is I'm feeling right now.

 

He's still a lot faster with his words than I am. Anything I wanted to say dies on my lips as he spells me silent yet again.

 

I don't huff this time, I just get to my feet and walk across the room to him.

 

"I said I didn't hate you, Snow, not that I wanted to be your friend. I'm still going to fight you to the death one day." He reminds me as if that exact problem hadn't been running through my mind all night. So far, the best solution I’ve got is; what if we just don't? I think it's a good solution. I doubt Baz will agree.

 

I lean over Baz at his desk. He leans away again. I go to pick up his pen. He smacks my hand away.

 

"Get back on your side of the room, Snow."

 

I try my best not to look wounded, but I've never had Baz's composure so I'm sure it shows. I hesitate for a second and notice his eyes flicker down to my chest. My stomach flips and I'm almost delighted until I realise what he's looking at. My cross is hanging off my neck and swinging through the air dangerously close to his shoulder.

 

I take it off and deposit it on the far side of the desk, away from Baz. He relaxes but he doesn't move closer.

 

"The problem isn't the cross, Snow, it's you."

 

This spell was an awful idea, anytime he says something like that it feels like a punch to the gut.

 

Still, when I go to take his pen this time he lets me.

 

_I don't hate you either._

He glances at me, still leaning away slightly so we're close but not quite touching. I want us to be touching.

 

He opens his mouth to say something, then closes it, looking frustrated. I think maybe he was about to lie to me because Baz is never at a loss for words, certainly not when it comes to me.

 

Instead, he just says, "Go to bed, Snow, I need to hunt." And he pushes me away, getting up and grabbing his coat as he makes for the door.

 

Recovering my cross, I take this opportunity to open the window, feeling a little let down by that exchange. I don't know why I thought just because _I_ had feelings for Baz that he'd suddenly be nicer. Still, he doesn't hate me so that's _something._

 

He flicks out the light as he leaves. He never does that. He leaves it on so I’m forced to get up and turn it off.

 

So maybe that's something too?

 

Or maybe he just wanted me to stumble around in the dark, I think as I trip over my own discarded backpack.

 

**Baz**

 

I descend the stairs from our room slowly. I'm in no hurry tonight.

 

Apparently, Snow has learnt to calm down in record time. Usually, when he sees me any rage he had from before flares up again, even if I don't say anything. My presence alone manages to piss him off.

 

He was calm tonight, though, or at least, as calm as he gets. I wonder why?  In a matter of hours, he went from yelling in my face to grinning like an idiot at me just because he found out I didn't hate him. He shouldn’t have asked that. Seven years of convincing him I hated him, of making him hate me, down the drain. I suppose I should just be happy I didn't tell him any more than that.

 

Its dark out, stars light up the sky and Watford is at peace for once.

 

I'm not sure what he's doing. He keeps watching me and leaning over me to write things on my paper when I know damn well he's got his own. Maybe he doesn't want to risk me tossing another one into the moat.

 

Or maybe he's onto me. Maybe after all this time, Simon Snow has figured out how I feel about him and he's decided to use it as a new form of torment. At least it would mean he isn't completely disgusted by me.

 

If he has figured it out that means I'm fucked and my 'plot’ has already failed.

 

If he has figured it out, there's not much use in plotting at all anymore is there?

 

Maybe it'll be fine that he knows. He'll just use it as a way to get to me like I've always been able to get to him. What's the worst that could happen? Honest to goodness rejection? The last of my hope snuffed out? Snow avoiding me for the rest of our time here?

 

Really all those things sound devastating.

 

I decide to let Snow sleep tonight. I **Float Like A Butterfly** myself off the ramparts and down into the Wavering Wood. I'll come back once the drawbridge is down again. I don't need to go back to our room tonight.

 

I spend a while hunting that night. Wandering the woods and taking what I need, probably more than I need. Then I sit down under the trees, looking up at the stars and taking out a cigarette. I light the end of it with my wand, inhaling deeply. It's not quite the same as the smoke smell Snow gives off but it's close enough for now. It will have to be close enough forever.

 

Smoke and stars, that's all I can think about right now. Smoke and stars and Simon Snow.

 

He's ruined me, the prat. He didn't even need to try, he didn't know he was doing it, but he's ruined me.

**Simon**

Another day of classes and meals and studying and I've still not told Penny. We agreed no secrets and that's a pact I want to keep. I'm just not sure how to tell her about all this.

 

I do need to talk this out with Baz. I know that at least. It's going to go terribly. I know that too.

 

I think maybe deluding myself into thinking this feeling was something else until now saved me. I still think about Baz exactly as much as I used to. The rhetoric is still much of the same, annoying, brilliant, ruthless, gorgeous, bastard. I'm just seeing it all differently now, there's a different tone, a different context. Really, it's a wonder I didn't figure this out earlier. It's a wonder Penny didn't.

 

Before, I could just focus it all into hatred and rage. Now, I'm not sure what to do. I've never been good at hiding my emotions. It's probably better if I'm just upfront about it, rather than him figuring it out and using it against me. This way, I know he knows and I'll be ready if he tries anything.

 

This is almost certainly going to be the worst conversation of my life.

 

I'd been intending to do it after dinner, I'd brought him another plate of food, thinking maybe it would soften him up some. I don't know why, it's never worked before.

 

Baz was asleep when I came in, though. He's usually up before dinner ends. I think he thinks I'm going to nick his wand again and interrogate him.

 

Usually, I find the best way to start my day is to wake Baz up. Throw open the curtains and stomp around and watch him slink away under the covers silently because he doesn't want me to know I'm getting to him. I let him sleep now though because I'd much rather postpone this conversation. I'd also much rather not have it with him trying to glare a hole through my skull.

 

So, I went to the library with Penny. I think she knows something's up. I kept disappearing into my own thoughts and staring into the middle distance as I tried not to panic. Despite my best efforts to not think about these things, they slip in when my guard is down. When I realised how close the colour of a book in the background was to the grey of his eyes. When I ran my fingers through my hair and wondered what it would feel like to have his long, cool fingers brush against my scalp. When I glanced down at my hand and realised I still couldn't see the constellation that was apparently written across my skin.

 

Me and Penny rarely get much study done anyway, we just talk for the most part, but today was a lot worse than usual.

 

 

Baz is up and awake and sitting at his desk when I get back. The plate I left there is empty but I'm not sure if he's eaten what was on it or just threw it out for fear I'd poisoned it.

 

"Snow." He greets as I enter.

 

That's always a bad sign. Baz doesn't greet me unless he's in a good mood. Baz is only ever in a good mood when he's come up with a plot he's particularly proud of.

 

Still, if he is in a good mood, this is the best time to tell him, right?

 

"Baz." I eye him wearily.

 

He's not spelled me. Why hasn't he spelled me? Really as much as I'd realised I needed to tell him I fancy him, I was counting on him to spell me silent, so I could keep putting it off.

 

He lets his lip curl in that way he only ever does for me. The way he does when he's beaten me at something or wants to start a fight.  I've always found it a little terrifying. Now I think it's kinda hot. That only makes it more terrifying really.

 

And then Baz is standing up. He tucks his hands into the pockets of his trousers and faces me. Only then do I realise I'm standing in the doorway. I kick the door closed behind me and toss my backpack carelessly onto the bed. He watches me do it with a raised eyebrow, smirk still creeping across his face.

 

Something is very wrong.

 

"Snow, I've needed nearly two weeks to be able to say this to you." He almost seems amused by that, like all of this was just a game and he played along. "I'm actually quite annoyed you asked me if I hated you yesterday. I had this whole thing planned out and you just had to go and ruin it a little."

 

He doesn't _seem_ annoyed.

 

I just stare at him for a moment. "What?"

 

 "Snow, I love you," I feel the clenching in my chest reach all new heights. But he's still speaking and it all starts crumbling down. "And The Mage, and the merwolves. I'm not a vampire. I _am_ desperately attracted to your girlfriend. Of course, I couldn't come up with a counterspell, after all, I'm not top of the year."

 

He's lying. Baz Pitch is lying. He's broken the spell and the first thing he decided to say to prove it, the one thing he knew would be completely irrefutably false to the both of us, was the that he might love me.

 

I didn't expect him to love me, I don't even think I wanted him to love me, not yet anyway. I don't love him. I've only known I like him for a day. I just would have liked to have some kind of chance. Obviously, I don't.

 

If I thought thinking about Baz had felt like being punched in the stomach before, I was wrong because this is so much worse. I think I might actually be sick this time, physically, violently sick.

 

I'm not going to cry, though. I won’t let myself. I've not cried because of Baz in years. It's not going to happen again tonight.

 

"You can see how yesterday's conversation ruined some of the gravitas of that little speech of course." He purses his lips and gives me a disapproving look, but he can't maintain it for long, he seems legitimately content, if not proud of himself.

 

"You found a counterspell then?" I ask, attempting to force my thoughts away. To keep my voice level.

 

Of course, he’s fixed it. It’s why he was asleep before when I came up from dinner. It’s why he didn’t need to spell me when I walked in. It why he’s in such an uncharacteristically good mood.

 

"I told you I would, didn't I? I think I might try my hand at finding a way around the anathema next."

 

He's threatening me.

 

I'm hurt and confused and he's threatening me. So, I deal with him the way I always have. I fight him. "Good, I'll have the room to myself when you fuck it up and get thrown out, you arrogant prick."

 

He still just looks amused and it pisses me off. And amused looks good on him which only pisses me off more. I can feel my magic rising and I try to shove it back down but I'm failing miserably.

 

"Because I'm the one who fucks up magic aren't I, Snow." He's goading me, and I know it, but I've never been able to back down from that and I won’t now. "Why so angry? Because you finally got something right and I've undone it?"

 

He doesn't know. There's that at least. He thinks I'm about to go off because he got rid of the spell.

 

Crowley, why did I think it was a good idea to confess my feelings to him. It's probably for the best that he got in first because otherwise, this would have been so much worse. He'd still have said it I'm sure. He'd have used it against me. But he doesn’t know.

 

He can never know.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have perhaps made Simon slightly thicker than is canon but I wasn't gonna let Baz go down without a fight here. 
> 
> Was this my plan from the beginning? Yes. Was I trying to come up with a better plot for Baz while writing this? Yes. Did I come up with one? Obviously not. 
> 
> So oh well, hope you enjoy regardless!


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey all, this ended up being waaaay longer than I intended but oh well? I probably won't be updating for a little while (maybe Sunday or Monday Aus time) cause I've loads of work to get done and honestly the next chapter I am having trouble finding a proper complete arc for it and it is getting lengthy. But who knows?
> 
> Also, Simon is dealing with some stuff (tm) so I tried to write that as IC as possible, but if you disagree I'm happy to hear alternate opinions on how you think he's be reacting. (I also kinda took some artistic liberties and gave him more abandonment issues than is strictly canon)
> 
> Oh also one section of this completely changed tense in the final draft so if there's issues in there I am sorry and please let me know.

**Baz**

I wasn't sure it would work. I wasn't sure he would buy it. I think maybe he did though.

 

Crowley, I'm glad that boy is thick.

 

"Have fun mourning your only successful spell, Snow," I say because he really does seem like he's about to go off and right now, I don't want to deal with Snow or his magic. "I need to hunt."

 

I don't need to hunt. I hunted yesterday, but I might again tonight anyway, it never hurts.

 

No, what I really need to do is get away from Snow. 

 

I'm not a gambler. I don't seek out danger and adrenaline. I like to know the outcomes. I hate to say it but Snow's right in at least one regard; I like to plot.

 

I wasn't sure that would work. I didn't know if the spell would just let me break it and then lie in the same sentence, in the same breath, even. It did though. Thank Crowley. Snow is thick but if it had been particularly obvious the spell had been broken mid-way through my monologue, I'm sure he'd have noticed. I'm a little surprised he didn't anyway.

 

He seemed sad though, and angry. I'm not sure why breaking the spell pissed him off so much. Maybe he was hoping to claw that last secret out of me. He did, of course, but he can't know that.

 

My plan worked though. I can finally go back to football and classes and get my own fucking food. I should be overjoyed but right now I'm just full of nerves and panic.

 

What if he figures it out?

 

He might. It is admittedly, not my best work.

 

I've always been a good actor, I've been acting like I hated him for years. It was obviously a good enough act that he believed it up until now.

 

So, I suppose I'll just keep acting. Act like nothing happened. Act like everything's fine. Act like I didn't just confess my greatest weakness to Snow under the guise of a lie.

 

**Simon**

It took me a long time to calm down after Baz left. Usually without him there to poke and prod I back away from the edge quickly enough. Tonight, it takes a while though because as fucking usual I can't get Baz out of my head.

 

He's definitely plotting. I had him under a truth spell for a week, his revenge will be swift and painful I'm sure.

 

Really though, right now I can't bring myself to care. I'm pretty sure any Baz can come up with can’t be worse than this. Years of dealing with him and he's never made me feel quite like this before. So empty, so defeated. Which is bullshit because I only realised all this yesterday.

 

My thoughts circulate, my magic coming and going like the tide. Every time I get back to the fact that I _shouldn't_ feel like this my magic swells up. It goes again as I remember I do anyway and there's little I can do about it. Then repeat.

 

It's still happening hours later when Baz comes back. It's dark but I don't need to see to know he's rolling his eyes. He changes in the bathroom and I make sure I'm rolled over and facing away from him when he comes out.

 

I don't sleep that night. I don't think Baz sleeps either. It's fine for him though, he didn't get up until after dinner. That was probably when I should have known something was wrong. I should have realised and prepared myself. I'm not sure I could have prepared myself for this though.

 

I want to talk to Penny.

 

I _need_ to talk to Penny.

 

 It had been bad when I was just laying here wallowing alone and trying to sort through the oncoming barrage of thoughts and feelings. But now Baz is back, and I can hear him breathing softly beside me and I want to listen to it forever but I also want to lean over and smother him with my pillow so I never have to hear it again.

 

Eventually the sun peaks over the horizon and light starts streaming into the room.

 

I don't want to get up. I'm not sure I ever want to move again. But I do, because I want to go talk to Penny and I always want breakfast and I really want to get away from Baz right now. I get up and dress in a hurry.

 

Breakfast hasn't even started by the time I get there. I should have stayed in bed. I just kind of loiter around for a good half hour until it starts.

 

During breakfast, I mostly just poke at my food. Penny mostly pokes at me.

 

"Just tell me what's wrong, Simon."

 

"Later."

 

I don't want to eat too much. I don't want to eat at all really. There's a lump in my throat and my stomach is still turning over. I don't think I could get anything down and I feel like if I do it will just come right back up again. Penny stops poking eventually and makes sure I eat. She also wraps up a few scones for later.

 

It's a Saturday but I almost wish it weren't. I need a distraction. Classes. The Humdrum. Another Chimera even. Anything to take my mind off all this. There isn't a distraction though.

 

Penny and I make our way over the yew trees and settle down under them. After my abysmal performance last night, I think Penny might be starting to give up on getting me to study.

 

"What's wrong?" She asks again when we're alone.

 

"Baz." I say. She doesn't look surprised.

 

Penny rolls her lips like she often does when she's about to ask a question but think's she might regret it. "What did he do now, Si?"

 

I lean into her and tilt my head till it's resting atop hers. She hates that because she thinks it's belittling. She's letting me do it now though, which probably means I’m not hiding this half as well as I want to. I hesitate to answer, trying to find the words. Penny just waits.

 

"He's fixed the spell."

 

Penny's inquisitive enough that I'm sure she'll just prompt me along with questions until it's all out. "Isn't that a good thing? Isn't this what you wanted? What counter spell did he use?"

 

I take a deep breath before answering. "I thought so yes, but I'm not so sure now. He didn't say what spell he used."

 

"You didn't ask?"

 

"No."

 

"You should ask."

 

This isn't really the line of questioning I had in mind. I ignore her request. It's not like he'd tell me anyway. "Penny..." I start. She only prompts me with a small hum, so I press on. "I think I like him." My voice is smaller and softer than I've ever heard it and my heart is beating a mile a minute even though it's only Penny here. Even somehow just saying it to Penny, saying it out loud, means that I’m accepting this and that it’s all the more real.

 

"Baz?" She asks not sounding half as concerned or being half as quiet as I'd like her to. "Good, does this mean you won’t try to drag me to all his football games now?"

 

What? It takes a couple of beats for me to realise she's misunderstood.

 

"No," I say hesitantly. "I mean..." And then I just stop, because I'm not sure I'm ready to say it yet. Because he's out to get me, and if he found out he'd use it against me.

 

I’m not sure why the thought of Baz knowing is so terrifying to me. He already mocks me for everything, that can’t get any worse. Rejection I suppose would be awful, but I’d still see it coming.

 

It's not like how I’m scared he'll drain me in my sleep, though that is still a persistent fear. It's more like the way I'm worried Penny will go off to America to live with Micah, even though I know we’ll keep in contact. Or the way I think about my parents. Or the way I sometimes think about The Mage and how he’s never around anymore unless he needs something.

 

I think I’m scared that Baz will use me. That he’ll make me think there’s something there, some kind of chance, maybe more, then he’ll just leave and tell me it was all a lie. Would Baz even do that? Suffer through a relationship with me just so he got to break my heart at the end of it? Probably.

 

I know Agatha has dumped me loads of times, but we always get back together so I was never really all that worried. I think I stopped feeling this way about Agatha a long time ago but I never left her and I think I’m starting to understand why.

 

Penny pulls me back from my thoughts, but the subject matter is no different really. "You mean you fancy Baz?" She asks incredulously. Then she stops for a few moments. "That makes a lot of sense actually."

 

I’d like to say that I didn’t think it made sense, but the more I’ve been thinking about things, mainly against my will, the more I’m starting to see that it does make a lot of sense. I followed him around for an entire year, it’s a miracle none of us caught on.

 

I feel Penny’s hand reach out and take mine, I hold onto it tightly. Her hand is smaller than mine, but she stokes her thumb along the back of my hand as best she can. Somehow her efforts are more comforting than the action itself.

 

I wonder what it would feel like to have Baz do that to me and I immediately hate myself for wondering it.

 

"Simon, that's not why you're so upset are you?"

 

I shake my head against hers, feeling my curls coil and unfurl as they get slightly tangled up in Penny's own hair.

 

She just waits. Letting me take my time, letting me find the words.

 

"He told me he loved me. It was the first thing out of his mouth when he broke the spell. He told lie after lie, but that was the one he started with because it was the one that would be the most impossible." I swallow, and I feel tears brimming in my eyes and suddenly I can't stop speaking. "I don't want him to love me, Penny. It's not like I love him. It's just of all the fucking things he could come out with the day after I realised I had feelings for him, it had to be _that_."

 

Penny dips out from under my head and turns to the side, propping herself up on her knees and pulling me into a hug.

 

I won’t cry, I remind myself. I won’t cry over Baz fucking Pitch. But I let myself lean into Penny and she holds me tightly. She runs her hand through my hair rubs circles on my back.

 

I'm not sure how long we're there for. It doesn't matter, people already talk.

 

Penny gives me a soft sort of frown when we break, the kind she gives when I'm not doing a basic spell correctly. "You should ask him what the counterspell was."

 

I gape at her. After all that, her response is about the magic.

 

She takes the opportunity to shove one of the scones she took from breakfast into my mouth. Despite myself, I laugh.

 

We spend the rest of the day together. Eating scones and just talking, not about Baz, about anything but Baz. And it makes me feel better, it makes me feel a lot better. I'm not sure how I'll cope when I get back to the room, but for now, I'm content.

 

**Baz**

I was right, everything is fine. I missed two weeks of classes, but everything is fine, Bunce caught up a little but I pulled ahead again within the week.

 

Having basically become nocturnal meant my sleep schedule was terrible, but I can't complain, it just let me keep my eyes open longer while I stare at Snow during the night.

 

He's been a bit out of sorts ever since I broke the spell. He doesn't glare at me across the dining hall anymore. Whenever I catch his eye he looks away immediately like he can't stand the sight of me. Crowley, I'm not even sure what I've done this time.

 

I still poke at him during classes, but less so. He doesn't fight back anymore so it's no fun, just gives me a look like a kicked puppy and tries whatever spell he's messed up again. There comes a point when you cross over from berating your enemy to outright bullying someone who just wants to be left alone and I'm awful close to crossing it. So, I've pulled back a little.

 

I'm not sure what to make of all this. Just because I said I didn't hate him doesn't mean we aren't still enemies.

 

Frankly, I'm getting sick of it. It's been weeks and I’ve gotten barely a glance from Snow, the guy who’s spent the majority of his waking moments ever since I met him glaring at me.

 

I miss it. I miss _him._

 

The fire in his eyes and conviction in his voice as he yells incomprehensible sentences at me. The way that he always walks right up to me like personal space doesn’t exist just to show that he wasn't afraid of me. The way the smell of smoke drifted through the air and his magic rolled off him warming everything around him. That last one still happens when I push him far enough. It's the first two I really miss though.

 

So maybe it's time for a little more plotting?

 

**Simon**

I've been doing my best to avoid an ignore Baz. I've never been able to cast **Out of Sight Out of Mind** though, it might be because I can't even make those words work in the non-magical sense of the word. I can't stop thinking about him. He's always been the one thing I allowed myself to think of in the summers, mainly because I couldn't stop myself. Back then though, he was a bad thought. Now he's still a bad thought, it's just longing instead of hatred.

 

I think maybe if I just persist with ignoring him though, that will work. I don't respond to his jabs, I don't follow him around, I don't glare at him across the dining hall. I have tried to catch a glimpse of his fangs across the during dinner, but I don’t think I’ve actually seen him eat. He always catches me looking and sneers. I don't return the gesture.

 

He does, bit by bit, start to lay off.

 

I'll mess up a spell and he'll jeer at me for it. I'll bite my tongue and swallow my anger and try again. He'll try again too. I won’t respond.

 

He can still tell he gets to me, he can still smell the smoke as my magic rears up. Everyone can. But I still ignore him. I think maybe that pisses him off more than anything.

 

Eventually, he stopped trying so hard though, I still mess up frequently, but he only comments a couple of times a day now.

 

He was never the one who started our staring matches across the dining hall, so those stopped when I stopped too.

 

He doesn't say much if I don't set him up with opportunities to be cruel, apparently. It seems the main medium I did that through was talking, so when I just stopped speaking to him our arguments stopped.

 

I miss it a bit. His voice. His eyes piercing into mine. That stupid fucking sneer.

 

But I don't want it. I just want all this to go away.

 

We could go back to fighting then. When every word he says doesn't burn me from the inside out.

 

I'm not sure I want to keep fighting. It's apparent Baz does though.

 

We're in Magic Words. The universe will always align to make me suffer, so Baz is in most of my classes. He keeps looking over at Agatha. She keeps looking back at him. He's not even smiling. He's not being nice or flirty or anything. He just lets her see him looking at her for a few moments before glancing away. I'm midway through questioning how this is affecting her so much when I realise that if Baz had been looking at me just then, no sneer, no anger, no words, I'd probably have forgotten how to breathe.

 

He's just using her to get to me. I'm sure of it. He doesn't like girls. He's gay, he told me that.

 

He keeps doing it. Through first period, and second. He is in my third period but Agatha isn't, because she's not interested in Politickal Science, so I take that time to regroup and figure out what I’m going to do.

 

I talk to her at lunch. She's been sitting with me and Penny again.

 

"Agatha, I think you should stay away from Baz." I say almost immediately as we sit down.

 

Agatha looks up at me through long dark lashes that used to make my heart skip a beat. Now they don't, because they frame brown eyes, not grey. "We're not dating anymore Simon, so it's none of your business."

 

She's right. She'd agreed to take me back about a week ago. _I'd_ been the one to decline. It wouldn't be fair to her, me being completely hung up on Baz. Once we're done with all this though, and that passes, I'll beg her to take me back and things can go back to normal. The problem is, I'm not sure she wants that. She seemed, relieved when I'd said no. I'm not sure what to make of that. After today though I might have an inkling.

 

I shoot a glare at Baz across the dining room for the first time in weeks.

 

He raises an eyebrow at me before his lip quirks up a bit and he goes back to his conversation.

 

"He's just using you to get to me."

 

Agatha is glaring at me now. "Not everything is about you, Simon. You two have barely fought in weeks."

 

Penny is just watching this whole thing unfold and looking a little bored. She never liked my relationship with Agatha I don’t think, and she never liked talking about Baz. This topic is something of a perfect storm for her disinterest.

 

"Agatha, he doesn't like you." My voice is adamant and perhaps a little harsher than I intended. It's better to hurt her now than let Baz do it later though.

 

She _does_ look hurt for a moment, but it quickly shifts to anger. I know that feeling well by now. "How do you know that, Simon?" She snaps at me.

 

Because he's gay, my mind supplies immediately. I don't say it. "Because-" I hesitate a moment. "Because I just do." I finish lamely, unsure what else I could say.

 

She doesn't say anything, she doesn't need to. She just rolls her eyes at goes back to eating. Somehow, I don't think she'll be eating with us tomorrow.

 

I look to Penny for some kind of back up and she gives me a sympathetic look before she shrugs.

 

We all have fourth period again and he's still doing it. I wish he'd stop. It's not fair to Agatha.

 

It's not fair to _me_ either. I know he's gay so I shouldn't care. But it still hurts. The sight of it still makes me a bit sick. I'm feeling more animosity towards Agatha than I should be right now, even though I know she's the victim in this.

 

Crowley, I think I'm jealous. Jealous of Agatha.

 

I don't want to think about that right now, I don't want to think of this.

 

I'm almost relieved when Miss Possibelf sends me out of class because I'm leaking too much magic.

 

I try to calm down when I get back to our room. Try to rationalise my thoughts. I'm hurt though, and jealous and angry. It's all churning around inside me and it's not leaving again. But I try to force it down. I don't want to go off. I don't ever want to go off, but right now in particular. After weeks of silence, I will not break just because Baz looked at my ex-girlfriend.

 

**Baz**

Snow's stopped standing up for himself certainly, but I doubt that extends to other people. Bunce would have the obvious choice but somehow, I doubted I'd manage to get under Bunce's skin with any kind of ease. No, it had to be Wellbelove. It’s easier, I'd already laid some groundwork there, Snow will know I'm just messing with her and she always falls for it so it should make him jealous. It's not an extensive plan but it's pretty much the perfect one.

 

It didn't take long. All of one day. Snow is quick to anger when it comes to those he cares about. It’s one of my favourite things about him, I’m just usually on the wrong end of it.

 

One day of casting cool glances at her across classrooms. Of letting her catch me looking at her. Of catching her looking at me and raising an eyebrow. That was all it took.

 

Snow was about to blow by second period, so I tried to slow it down a little. It didn't make a difference, he got sent back to our room in fourth.

 

He didn't call me out in class, I'm not sure why. He was angry but maybe I misjudged him. Maybe whatever oath to not deal with me he's taken extends to when I'm toying with his friends. Toying with his ex-girlfriend. I know they're not dating anymore. I'm glad they're not but it doesn't matter because that will only last so long.

 

I do my full day of classes. The second Snow's gone I stop indulging Wellbelove. Bunce keeps looking at me though. I’m not sure why, she has a boyfriend in America and somehow, I doubt I’m her type. She looks at me like she knows something though, or like she's on the precipice of knowing something. Like she's assembling a jigsaw in her mind but she doesn’t know what it supposed to look like in the end but she’s nearly finished it anyway.

 

 

I don't know why I doubted myself. My plan was foolproof. (Because Snow is, of course, a fool). I can smell him before I even push open the door to our room that evening.

 

He's pacing and running a hand through his hair. He stops when he sees me. It's a beautiful sight. Simon Snow on a mission, paused mid-stride with one hand pushing his hair out of his eyes. His eyes are alight too, more alight than I've seen in weeks, full of fury and hurt and something else I wish wasn't jealousy, but I know is.

 

"What the fuck Baz." Why does he open all our confrontations with that? It gets a little repetitive.

 

I decided to play dumb because I know that will only piss him off more. "Whatever is the matter, Snow?" I sneer at him.

 

It works because he's absolutely seething now. I ignore him, moving over to my side of the room and putting my things away in my desk drawers. I probably shouldn't be facing away from him, but we're in our room so it's not like he can attack me, not unless he wants to get expelled.

 

"You fucking know what the matter is." I hear him cross the room. He's standing right behind me now; a shiver passes involuntarily down my spine but despite the situation, it's not an unpleasant one.

 

I turn to face him and raise an eyebrow. He is very close, close enough for me to smell the Watford soap even under the smoke.

 

My silence only spurs him on apparently. It's only fair, his silence has been on my nerves for weeks. "Leave. Agatha. Alone." He says it like placing enough emphasis on the words would imbue them with magic.

 

"Now, now, she's not your girlfriend anymore as far as I know."

 

He's got his hands on the desk now, on either side of my hips and I am acutely aware of that fact. After two weeks of nothing, this is probably too much, I've pushed him too far. I'm out of my depth right now but I am enjoying it immensely.

 

"That's not the fucking point." He growls up at me through gritted teeth. "You don't like her Baz, you're gay."

 

Is this why he didn't want to cause a scene in class, because he didn't want to out me? Crowley, I love this idiot.

 

I can't say that though, can I?

 

I look down at him, my voice almost a whisper, like that time I threatened to kill him not long ago. "She's awful pretty though isn't she? I think father would approve if I-"

 

My words and my thoughts and my _everything_ is abruptly halted because Simon Snow is kissing me.

 

He's got a hand on the back of my neck and he's pulled me down to meet him. His lips are warm against my cold ones and I'm so lost in thinking about it that I don't get a chance to respond before he's pulling away.

 

He knows it was the truth.

 

He has to know.

 

He wouldn't have done this otherwise.

 

But if he already knows then what's the point of all this?

 

Fuck it.

 

He's opening his mouth and about to say something but I don't give him the chance. I lean down to kiss him this time. He's better at this than me, he actually responds in a timely manner.

 

He pushes me up against the desk and I wrap my arm around his waist. Both of us trying to get the other closer even though there's no space left in-between us. My other hand moves to the back of his neck and his knots its way into my hair, pulling at it slightly.

 

It's not a gentle kiss. He pushes, and I push back. He tugs on my hair and I dig my nails into his side. I can feel his cross rattling in my jaw, but I can't bring myself to care.

 

I'm kissing Simon Snow.

 

I'm almost entirely sure he's done this to prove his point about Wellbelove, or to torment me.

 

That's probably why he's been avoiding me, he's figured out I meant it when I said I loved him and now he can't stand the sight of me.

 

I'm not sure what this is. Is he's mocking me or just seeing how far he can push me?

 

Whatever his end game, whatever his reasoning, I've wanted this for years so I'm not going to be the one to put a stop to it.

 

**Simon**

I'm not sure how long we've been at this, me and Baz. It doesn't feel like long, but it must be because I can feel my legs getting tired from standing in one place and my hand had started to cramp from when it was tangled in Baz's hair. It's not tangled in there anymore, though.

 

Baz isn’t bad at this. Just, inexperienced I think. Am I Baz's first kiss? The selfish part of me wants it to be true. The part of me that cares for him doesn't think he deserves to have to have it with someone he despises, no matter how much of a prat he is.

 

I have done a fair amount of kissing in my life. Not loads, but enough. But not like this. No one has ever kissed me like this.

 

At first, it was all desperation and rage. Clutching each other tightly, me pinning Baz to the desk, Baz pinning me to him. He kissed me like he needed to breathe, and I was oxygen. Not in the way people need to breathe though. In the way, fire needs to breathe, uncontrolled and all-consuming, like he'd suck the air from my lungs at any moment. He basically already had, every time I pulled away to try and catch my breath he pulled me back the second I was able to draw one in.

 

I'd flinched when he'd nipped at my lip, even though I’d done it to him first. He'd just laughed, and I could feel the vibrations all through my body. Then he took my bottom lip between his teeth again and tugged at it, just long enough for me to feel there were no fangs. I'm almost certain it was a plot for him to get me to stick my tongue in his mouth. If it was, it worked.

 

Things have slowed down since all that though. It was a process, slowing things down. Neither of us was quite willing to give in, to admit that maybe we wanted something softer. But I stopped pushing up against him so hard and he started giving me a little more time to breathe. I loosened my grip in his hair and he withdrew his nails from my side. I slid my hand inch by inch over to his cheek and he moved his to tangle in my curls.

 

Then he said my name. Not Snow, but a soft "Simon," against my lips and I realised he's surrendered, so I did too.

 

Now he’s trailing his knuckles over the indentations he left on my hip. I’m not sure if he’s trying to soothe it or just likes feeling that he left a mark on me. Both of my hands are cupping his face now, I run my thumbs along his sharp cheekbones while I pull back for air.

 

His eyes slowly open and meet mine. We both hesitate for a moment. I’m sure he’s thinking the same thing I am. _This is a bad idea._ But right now, my thoughts are transient and unnecessary, so I lean back in and I’m delighted when he does too.

 

It's still soft and slow, but not necessarily as sweet. Particularly not when I can feel his hands moving slowly down my back.

 

He takes a step forward but there's still no space between us and I'm forced to step back. I think in a moment of panic that he's about to push me onto his bed, but then he turns us around so I'm the one up against the desk. His hands eventually settle on my arse. I'm not sure how I expected that to end but it wasn't with my feet suddenly leaving the ground as he deposits me on the desk.

 

I hate myself because I fucking squeak when he does that. He laughs again, but it's not in the cruel way he usually laughs at me, it's deep and genuine and suddenly I think I'd gladly squeak again just to hear him make that noise.

 

"My neck was starting to hurt, and it seemed like you were getting tired." He murmurs, pressing his lips into the corner of my mouth. I _was_ getting tired, so I don't respond. I just rest my arms on his shoulders and let him settle in between my thighs.

 

I take a deep breath, expecting his lips to be on mine again at any moment, but it never comes. He kisses my cheek and then down and along my jaw, one hand wandering back up to rest on my cheek. He kisses the spot just below my ear and starts making his way down my neck. I tilt my head and let him, the part of my mind screaming about Baz being a vampire is unusually quiet. Most of my mind is usually quiet.

 

I just sit there and enjoy the way his cool lips feel against my skin. Sometimes he hits certain spots and I can hold back a gasp or a sigh, he'll stay there for a while kissing, sucking, sometimes biting, before moving on. He remembers them too because every now and then when I've gone too long without making a sound he goes back and retraces every little spot he's found.

 

Somewhere along the way he removed my tie and opened the top buttons of my shirt. He's taking my collarbone gently between his teeth, now. I give the slightest intake of breath and then he does it again.

 

I never expected Baz of all people to be so attentive.

 

It’s like he wants to please me.

 

Like he wants to memorise everything about me.

 

Like he-

 

Like he loves me.

 

And suddenly it all comes crashing back down. Because I kissed him and now he _knows_. Now he's going to use it against me. This is probably just some elaborate set up to make things worse later when he inevitably leaves in the worst way he can come up with.

 

I said I wouldn't cry. Apparently, I was wrong.

 

He notices this too because of course, he does. His mouth isn't on me anymore and I come face to face with grey eyes that go on forever etched with concern I’m sure is fake. "Sorry, I didn’t-.”

 

I don't find out what he was going to say because I sputter a quick. "I shouldn’t have done this." And all but run out the door.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed! Was 1k of make out enough after all that build up? Was it too much??? As always, feedback , be it positive or negative, is always good.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In general, not happy with this chapter, but it's been three days and I should update. I'm putting it down to it being an anticlimax from the last maybe?
> 
> Anyways, we're getting there now friends I promise. Not many chapters to go now. (But also one more than intended cause I had to break this one into two when I rewrote it otherwise it would have been like 8k)
> 
> Thought of the day: If Baz is so rich and so smart and so cold, why didn't he just by an electric blanket? Cause he's flammable is not an acceptable response because everyone is flammable if they are under an electric blanket and it catches fire. Just food for thought.

**Baz**

He just leaves me standing there like an idiot. Staring at the door he'd left through. Trying to process what had just happened.

 

I just kissed Simon Snow. Extensively.

 

And then he left.

 

He left crying.

 

I try to swallow the lump in my throat, but it does nothing to alleviate the pain. I step back until I feel my legs hit my bed and then I just let myself fall into the always slightly uncomfortable mattress.

 

It's dark in here. There are no lights on because the sun was still up when we started this. The sun isn't up anymore though. Crowley, we must have been at it for well over an hour.

 

And then he just fucking left.

 

I can still feel the warmth from his touch on my shoulders and hips and on the back of my neck but it's fading fast. A lovely reminder of how dead I am and how very alive he is. I crawl under my blankets to try and maintain some of that warmth. I don't bother changing out of my uniform. I don’t need to, I'm not staying long.

 

Why did he leave? Did I do something wrong? Or was it just several years of me doing things wrong?

 

I should be happy, I suppose. Just take what I can get and be done with it. I’m not sure I can though. Not after that.

 

Years of daydreaming and fantasising, none of it could really compare to what just happened. It wasn't easy before, but it was easier than this. I didn't really know what it would be like. Now I do. And now it's so much worse to know it will never happen again.

 

I finally got to kiss all his moles and freckles, the ones on his neck and cheek at least. I found out which ones he likes having kissed. I ran my hands through his hair and it was so much softer than I’d imagined. I grabbed his arse, not for very long, but, still.

 

Crowley, I grabbed his arse.

 

What was I thinking?

 

I don't think I _was_ thinking. I think that's the problem. He just looked like he was getting tired of standing and admittedly, I wanted to put him on my desk. I wanted his legs wrapped around my hips and I wanted to kiss down his neck and for once those three extra inches were a problem, so I just got rid of them.

 

I'm pretty sure that's the way Snow makes his decisions though and that thought makes me shudder.

 

I thought he was enjoying it. He seemed to be.

 

Then he started fucking crying.

 

What did I do? Was it _that_ bad?

 

Maybe he doesn't like being bitten? Except he does, not hard, but he likes it when I drag my teeth across his skin. He particularly likes it when I do in the crevice where his neck meets his shoulder. I know that now. I'm not sure what to do with the fact that I know that, but I like knowing it.

 

My fangs didn't pop so it wasn't that.

 

Maybe he just came to his senses and realised he'd made a mistake? It was probably that.

 

I decide I'm not going to dinner. If dinner's even still happening and we didn't miss it completely. I don't want to be here when he comes back either. I'm not sure where any of this leaves us, but when your impromptu snog with your enemy ends with them crying and running from the room, it can't be anywhere good.

 

And he _knows._

 

If he didn't know before he certainly knows now. That's probably why he kissed me. To prove there was no counterspell, to confirm I meant it when I said I loved him.

 

He stayed though, for a good while. That one is harder to riddle out. I thought maybe he was just enjoying it, but with how things ended that seems unlikely. Maybe he just got carried away.

 

I decide it doesn't matter what his motivations are (even though it _does_ ), because he made it quite clear he didn't want to do it again.

 

I sigh deeply and run a hand through my hair. It doesn't feel as good as when he did that, I'm not sure anything will ever feel as good as when he did that.

 

I have to figure out what to do about all this, but right now I can't be bothered. I think I'll just lay here and wallow for the time being. Because really, that _is_ what I'm doing, wallowing in my own sadness.

 

It's pathetic, but Snow's not here to see it, so I think I’ll allow myself to be pathetic for a little while.

 

 

**Simon**

It's dark out. How the fuck did it get dark out? Why did I let that go on for so long?

 

I'm pacing up and down now, for the second time today. Waiting for the tears to subside, trying for the life of me to calm down. I've never really been good at calming down though.

 

Why did I do that?

 

I shouldn't have kissed him. I shouldn't have let him kiss me. I shouldn't have let that continue.

 

I did though, because it was so good and I wanted it so much and he was just giving it to me. Whatever I tried to take he just gave it to me and then some. I wanted to fight and he fought me. I wanted things to temper out and he was slower and softer. I didn't start that business with him kissing my neck though, I think he wanted to do that. (maybe it's a vampire thing). I wanted that too, though. I just didn't know I did until after he'd started.

 

What else do I want that I haven't even considered yet? I'll never know I suppose because this can _never_ happen again.

 

He knows now. If he didn't know before he does now. Because I kissed him first.

 

I'm a fucking moron, why did I kiss him?

 

Because he was so close? Because he was leaning in and whispering to me? Because I was jealous and wanted to stake a claim on him?

 

Maybe just because I wanted to kiss him.

 

It doesn't matter. What matters is this can never happen again. He'll use this against me, I know it. I can't give him that opportunity.

 

By the time I calm down and the tears subside, I've nearly missed dinner. Most of the students aren't there anymore by the time I make it, those that are give me strange looks. Penny is here at least, so I grab a plate and go sit down with her because I need Penny right now.

 

She looks up from whatever book she's reading. Her eyes widen and then she grins at me.

 

I've just had my heart broken for the second time in under a month and my best friend is grinning at me.

 

"You two sorted things out, then?' She asks. I'd think it still looked like I was crying if it hadn't been for the amusement evident in her voice.

 

I just stare blankly at her. "What are you on about?" I focus on the confusion and try to force away the hurt.

 

"Your neck, Si, and you tie."

 

_Shit._

I immediately redo the buttons on my shirt and right my tie. I think Penny senses my panic because she casts a quick **Nothing To See Here** on my neck.

 

I hide my face in my hands, I'm almost certain I'm a very vibrant shade of red right now. Of course, just as I thought things couldn't get any worse, now half the cohort knows I was snogging my roommate. Or, someone at least, I doubt their first guess would be Baz. Maybe this was his plan, to get me to humiliate myself.

 

There's no one sitting near us, so I whisper across the table to Penny. "I kissed him."

 

Penny raises an eyebrow at me. "You don't say?" Right, yes, she already knew that.

 

"I shouldn't have." I say even though she already knows that too.

 

Or maybe she doesn’t because she says, "Why not?"

 

What does she mean, why bloody not? Because he's Baz, because he's my enemy, because he's my roommate so I still have to see him every fucking day until we graduate. I can’t go back to our room tonight. I might have to have sleep under one of the tables in the library.

 

"Because now he _knows._ " I groan. She pushes my plate closer to me because everything is starting to get packed away and I shouldn't hold things up. I oblige and begin to eat.

 

"It doesn't look like he minds though, does it?"

 

It didn't feel like he minded either. Which isn't a good sign.

 

"Of course, he doesn't mind, he's got this over me now Penny, he can use it against me." I explain after swallowing a mouth full of roast beef.

 

Penny's looking at me like I'm missing something very obvious again. "That's not what it seems like." She says slowly.

 

I frown at her, waving my fork around to indicate that she's wrong while I search for the words to explain why. "That is exactly what it seems like."

 

"Why?"

 

"Because he's Baz."

 

Penny rolls her eyes at me. "You keep saying that like it actually means something."

 

I sigh and shake my head, poking absently at my food. "Penny, can we just...not, right now. Please." Usually, it's her who wants us to stop talking about Baz, not me. She nods. I can see her lips purse and millions of questions and comments in her eyes, but I think she can see the tears in mine, so she just lets me eat.

 

We leave dinner not soon after that, I never take very long to eat. We just wander the ramparts together. I know she's trying to distract me, trying to make me feel better. It half works, because Penny's good at that, she knows how to do it well by now. But right now even that's not enough.

 

It's late when I bid her goodnight. I know she's getting tired. I know she has homework she's neglecting to try and make me feel better. She tries to stay, she even offers to come back to my room for the night and keep me company because now that Baz has confessed he's a vampire any threats he makes to turn her in will be hollow. I decline. I don't want to. But I do because Penny shouldn't drop everything just to look out for me. She always does though, every time.

 

"Si," She stops me as I'm about to go. "Ask him what the counterspell was."

 

I sigh. She's been pestering me about that. I've tried a couple of times, but Baz just brushes me off.

 

"Not tonight Penny."

 

"Soon though."

 

I'm not sure I can talk to Baz about anything right now. I'm not sure I can talk to him about anything ever again. Still, Penny is insistent.

 

"Fine, soon."

 

 

**Penelope**

"So, have you asked him yet?" I question Simon over lunch.

 

"What?" He just looks at me over his sandwiches.

 

"Have you asked him how he broke the spell?" I prompt.

 

Simon glares at me, which is fair because I've been asking a lot, but I'm going to keep asking until he does it. He doesn't like to talk about Baz anymore, which I thought would be a refreshing change given he's not shut up about him for the past seven years. It's not though because he still thinks about him. A lot. He's never been good at hiding what he's feeling and really, Baz is being particularly dense if he hasn't noticed yet.

 

So maybe they need a push?

 

Baz loves him. I know that. I'm almost absolutely certain that's how he broke the spell. I just need him to tell Simon that. I could just tell him myself I suppose, but I don't think that's right. He shouldn't hear it from me. He might though if these two don't hurry up and sort it out because there's only so much moping I can take before I grab Simon by the shoulders and try to talk some sense into him. I doubt he'd believe me, he trusts me to a fault about everything except Baz. He'd just explain to me that I was missing part of an elaborate plot against him, probably.

 

"No." He just says with a shake of his head, somehow fooling himself into thinking that would be the end of this discussion.

 

"When are you going to?"

 

"I'm not."

 

It’s my turn to shake my head now. "Yes, you are."

 

He is going to, even if I have to drag him over to Baz and start that conversation myself.

 

He seems to detect that I'm not letting it go this time. "How do I do that? After days of completely ignoring each other, you just expect me to go up and ask him?"

 

 Simon can be stubborn, but so I can I. "Yes. I do."

 

They really have been ignoring each other. It's a little unsettling really. I'm not sure Simon knows what to do with himself anymore, trying to figure out what Baz was up to was an alarmingly big part of his life. He doesn't go to Baz's football games anymore, there's no glaring across the dining room, Baz doesn't even taunt him during classes and Simon doesn't follow him around.

 

Simon really needs to expand his list of hobbies to something other than a dozen variations of stalking Baz.

 

Merlin, how did I not see this earlier?

 

"I can't do that, Penny."

 

"Yes, you can." I insist.

 

"Why can't you do it, yourself?"

 

Obviously, I can't do it myself because I already know. Or, at least, I think I do. But I'm usually right. No, Simon needs to do this himself. "You want me to just ambush him outside of class and loudly ask how he broke a truth spell you put on him?"

 

Simon grimaces and I know I've made my point. "Why do you _need_ to know?"

 

I don't. He does though. "Because it's unheard of. If he's managed it we need to record it and document it. It's a major academic achievement and other people should have access to it." It's only half a lie. If he _had_ found a new spell I'd want to record it. That's how I managed to put such passion and conviction into my words. "Please, Simon."

 

He caves. Finally. "Fine, whatever, I'll talk to him tonight."

 

"Thank you." I feel almost guilty for lying to him. It's for a good cause though.

 

 

**Baz**

Snow is waiting for me when I get back from hunting tonight. He tries not to let on that he's waiting, but Simon Snow has all the subtlety of a sledgehammer so it's obvious. He's tapping his pen against the desk as he pretends to do his homework, he always does that when he's nervous.

 

I ignore him like I have for the past three days and scoop up my Greek textbook, taking a seat in bed as I crack it open.

 

He's working up to something. I can hear the rhythm of his breathing and it's too steady, deep breaths in then slowly letting them out, like he's trying to calm down. His magic isn’t flaring up, so that’s not the source of this. No, he’s definitely going to try to talk to me.

 

 I get a few pages in before I start to think that maybe he's just going to leave it. I'm grateful for that. I'm almost certain it's going to be _Baz, that kiss was a mistake and it can never happen again._ I already know that. I don't need him to say it. I don't _want_ him to say it. So hopefully he'll just keep his mouth shut even though this new-found distance between us is killing me. When we fought it wasn't pleasant but now there's just nothing. Somehow nothing is worse.

 

I'm ignoring him now too though. Because now he knows and I can't face that.

 

"Baz." He says, just when I think he's changed his mind.

 

My eyes flicker up from the textbook just as I try to restart the paragrah I've read over three times. "What?" I fix him with the coldest stare I can manage. It's wasted because he's not meeting my eyes.

 

Snow has twisted around slightly in his chair and folded his arms one over the other across the back of it. As I brace for rejection he rests his chin on top of his forearms and it's so unbearably cute that it's going to make this so much worse.

 

"How did you break the spell?"

 

"What?" I'm too surprised to say anything else. He already _knows_. Why is he asking? Is he trying to make me say it? I won’t give him that satisfaction.

 

He frowns at me. "The truth spell, how did you break it?"

 

I raise an eyebrow at him and force my features to remain neutral "Counter-spell." I say simply.

 

"What was it?" He prompts, and I think I might punch him in that pretty face of his.

 

"Why does it matter?" I ask, even though I already know. "Are you intending to try your first successful spell in years on another student? Do you want to know so you can back out the second you feel the slightest twinge of guilt?" I snap at him, because what else am I supposed to do, confess?

 

"What?" He looks surprised this time. "No. I just-" He hesitates, and he looks like he fully expects me to interject and berate him for it but for once I hold my tongue.

 

He's still silent so I go back to my book and reattempt that one paragraph I keep having to reread whenever my thoughts drift over to Snow.

 

"It's an academic achievement." He says slowly. "At least, that's what Penny says. She thinks we, need to record it somewhere or something."

 

I almost gape at him but I manage to pull my face together and sneer at him in almost record time.

 

I think for a moment that maybe he's messing with me, but Snow is a shit liar.

 

_He doesn't know._

Crowley, that boy is thick as a brick.

 

Half of me is rejoicing that he doesn't know, and the other half is horrified that I've fallen for someone so daft.

 

"Snow, surely by now you've realised that I don't want to share my academic achievements with you. You might be a halfway decent magician if I did and that would be one less thing to mock you about."

 

Keeping with how things have been for the past few weeks he ignores me and turns back around. It hurts a little, but it doesn't matter because more importantly, _he doesn't know._

 

Why did he kiss me then, if not to mess with me?

 

Maybe he...

 

No

 

Absolutely not.

 

It's impossible.

 

But maybe it's not? Maybe he kissed me because he _wanted_ to?

 

I glance over at Snow, who's still pretending to do his homework. Snow, who brought me food for two weeks. Who hasn't told anyone that I'm a vampire (or that I'm gay). Who started ignoring me when I pretended that telling him I loved him was a lie. Who pushed me up against a desk and kissed me for hours a few days ago.

 

Simon Snow, who is courageous and loyal and good.

 

Simon Snow, who thinks I’m evil and cruel and out to get him.

 

There's not a chance he feels the same.

 

But maybe it's about time I find out for certain?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anyways, that's that. I'll try to have the next chapter up ASAP. It won't be the last though because let's face it, Baz is good at a great many things but dealing with his emotions like an adult is not one of them.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So maybe some of us have no self-restraint and maybe this chapter ended up being 9000 words (cause it's 2 chapters smashed into one instead)... Hope you brought snacks kids.  
> Oh well, enjoy? Sorry if Baz gets a bit OOC towards the end (or the beginning) but SOMEONE needed to drive the plot forward. I tried my best to keep it as IC as I could.  
> Also apologies for any mistakes, I find they tend to occur more in longer chapters. (Probably cause I get a bit of editing fatigue midway through or something)  
> Fun fact: I googled it apparently one of the variations of the title quote is 'the truth will set you free but first it will make you miserable' and I feel like I may need to give this fic a subtitle.

**Baz**

As it happens, figuring out if Snow is the tiniest bit interested in me is a lot more difficult than I'd first thought. How do I even do that? It's not like I can just walk up and ask him. That would be stupid.

 

I have tried reinitiating our staring contests across the dining hall. I caught him looking at me this morning and I gave him the same look I usually give Wellbelove, cold, lingering, but not a glare so surely that’s something. He did meet my gaze for a moment, stared right back at me until Bunce said something and his focus snapped back to her.

 

So that's didn't work.

 

I've tried mocking him in class again. Once. I didn't even try very hard.

 

"Use your words, Snow." I’d said because he was messing up even the simplest of spells.

 

He'd just set his jaw and turned away. Bunce glared daggers at me for the rest of the lesson.

 

So that plan is out too.

 

I could try working the Wellbelove angle again, but then he would definitely know what I was doing, and I will not be the one to show my hand first.

 

Really, I'm not sure what else to do. I've been trying to think of something but everything else I can come up with would probably let him know I'm interested in _him_. If I'm wrong and he doesn't like me, I'm shafted after that.

 

Crowley knows I’m shafted anyway.

 

**Simon**

I think Baz is planning to kill me again.

 

We still don't really talk. I've been doing my best to avoid him after all that happened. Today though he caught my eye across the dining hall and the look he gave me, no sneer, no smirk, no raised eyebrow, definitely means he's going to try to kill me again. Of course, he's going to, he's probably livid I kissed him.

 

He didn't seem mad though. Penny reminds me of that when I bring up my concerns with her.

 

"Well, then it's because I ruined his plans to mess with me by avoiding him," I explain to her.

 

She doesn't look convinced. "You're being ridiculous, Simon. He's not going to kill you."

 

Except he definitely is. Why wouldn't he?  He hates me... I mean, he said he didn't hate me when he was under the spell but he definitely hates me now. Merlin and Morgana why wouldn't he hate me, I'm pretty sure it was his first kiss. He probably thinks it went awfully too because I ran out crying.

 

Maybe if I tell him it was good he won’t try to kill me?

 

Nope. No. Bad idea. Then I'll just be boosting his ego right before he inevitably _kills me_.

 

With Baz's plot ever in mind, I'm glad when The Mage catches me before our first period and we head off for a destination unknown. Somehow despite knowing I'm going to have to go fight something, it feels a lot safer than whatever Baz is planning right now.

 

**Baz**

The Mage came and picked Simon up near the beginning of the day. Something about 'important business'.

 

Snow's little field trips don’t usually last that long. I don't know what happens exactly but given his history of how he deals with things, I can only assume it's go there, kill something, come back.

 

Lunch came and went. Dinner came and went. Hell, I've already been out hunting and he's not back yet. It's nearly midnight so he's been gone for well over 12 hours. I am admittedly starting to get worried. Something might have happened.

 

I'm also worried that this is the first time, Snow's seen The Mage since discovering my affliction. I’m almost sure he'll spill everything under the slightest prompting. Really, that is the fear that should be taking precedent right now. It's not though, because for some reason I'm more worried about Snow getting hurt than I am about my own life.

 

Just as I'm about to turn in for the night he comes crashing through the door. He's covered in blood. It's matted in his hair and he's still wearing his school uniform so even where he's wiped it away the whites of his jacket have become a brown-pink colour. I don't think any of it is his blood though, it's too dark to be human.

 

I hope none of it is his blood.

 

"Crowley, Snow, what happened to you?" My fangs pop as I say it, so I bring my hand up to cover my mouth. It seems like Snow's too tired to notice and for that I am grateful.

 

He just throws himself into bed face down muttering something about wyverns I think? And then he just stays there.

 

I hesitate before asking, "Is any of that your blood?"

 

He just shakes his head into the pillows.

 

"Then get up and go shower."

 

He shakes his head again. "I'll do it tomorrow Baz, I'm tired." And his stomach lets out a low rumble.

 

He missed lunch and dinner, has he eaten anything today?

 

"You can't sleep like that."

 

He ignores me.

 

"You're covered in blood."

 

He's still ignoring me, but his stomach growls again and my brow creases in more than just annoyance.

 

"Snow, your vampire roommate is kindly requesting that you go take a fucking shower before I eat you.” I don't want to say it but given the situation and how he's just not getting the message, I have to.

 

He looks up at me, eyelids blinking blearily and realisation slowly dawning on his face. Even covered in the blood of what is _not_ a hostile creature, he somehow manages to look absolutely adorable.

 

Crowley, I am so far gone.

 

He does get up though, slowly and trudges over to the bathroom. Presumably, because he doesn't want to end up being a late-night snack for me, cross or no cross.

 

I sit there for a few moments once I hear the water start running. Fighting with myself over what to do.

 

I cast **Clean As A Whistle** on his now bloodied bed sheets while I deliberate, because that one I can play off with my vampirism.

 

It's a stupid idea and I shouldn't do it. But everything I've done thus far isn't working. So maybe I _should_ do it? If snogging him didn't send the message clearly enough, I doubt getting him dinner will give me away.

 

I grab my coat, suddenly glad I'd not yet dressed for bed and make my way down to the kitchens.

 

Cook Pritchard told me the spell to unlock the door years ago, so it's not like I shouldn't be here. I was in here more than my fair share back when Snow had me spelled, the prat. As I look back on that I almost turn around and walk back out. I don't though.

 

I gather some of the leftovers from dinner. They'd just get given to the goats anyway. No scones anywhere, and I would not like to admit how long I searched for one. It'll have to do.

 

I nearly second guess myself and toss the food several times on the short walk back to our room.

 

I should not be bringing Snow food.

 

He did for you though?

 

He was the reason I couldn't get it myself.

 

In the end, I do make it back, roast beef tragically not having been dumped in a bin somewhere and my pride well and truly swallowed.

 

He's still in the shower by the time I get back, so I just put the plate on his desk, casting **You're Getting Warmer**.

 

I use the time Snow is in the shower to change for bed. Crawling under the covers I take a moment to wonder if I should simply own up to what I just did, or if I could fake sleep well enough that Snow would believe that I left, got food, came back and fell asleep all within the time he was in the shower. I doubt even he'd believe that, though.

 

"Happy?" He mutters coming out of the bathroom, dressed for bed and with steam cascading around him as it dissipates into the air.

 

I scoff. "Not while you're still here."

 

"Go-." He starts to retort before he stops mid-sentence. "Baz, did you get me dinner?"

 

I consider saying no and just denying the whole thing because really, it's stupid and I shouldn't have. But then he smiles at me and I suddenly think it might be the best decision I've made in my life. And then I _know_ it was a stupid decision.

 

"Did you poison it?" He asks tentatively poking at it with the fork, also provided courtesy of yours truly.

 

I raise an eyebrow at him. "Would it stop you from eating it if I had?"

 

He shrugs. "Probably not."

 

He's obviously still very tired, but he must be hungry too because he sits down and starts tucking in. I prop myself up on an elbow and just watch him for a moment. It's not a pretty sight Snow eating. He doesn't so much eat as he does inhale. I still like to look at him though. He's probably too tired to even notice.

 

"Thanks, Baz." He mutters through a mouthful of roast beef. "Even if you did poison it."

 

I roll my eyes at him. "Now you never get to bring up you getting me food as a form of guilt trip again. We're square." I try to play it off and I'm pretty sure I'm failing miserably.

 

**Simon**

I don't know why he did it, but Baz brought me dinner and I've not eaten all day, so I don't even question it. I was thoroughly convinced that he was going to kill me earlier, I'm still a little convinced. The would the anathema work against poison? Would he even use a plot so obvious?

 

He's right about one thing though, I'm too hungry to care right now.

 

He's spelled my sheets clean too. I'm not sure if that's for my benefit or his but it's nice to pretend he did it for me, even if he definitely didn't.

 

I flick off the light and throw myself back into bed, facing away from Baz.

 

I don't like to look at him at night. Or, I do, and that's why I can't. I can't see him properly, but I know he's there. If I face towards him, I can see his outline in the dark and then I think about him. I think about him anyway, but if I'm not looking at him occasionally my mind will give me a few moments of peace before drifting slowly back to the topic of Baz.

 

I can hear him breathing now and it's soft and slow and I fall asleep listening to it.

 

**Baz**

It's been a few days since the incident involving me bringing Snow dinner. It didn't really do anything save disperse a bit of the tension between us.

 

We're still avoiding each other. Or more accurately, he's avoiding me, and I try to seem like I'm doing it back. We don't talk much either still. Though I supposed we never really talked, save biting insults and shouting matches.

 

I've still not figured it out. If he fancies me or not. I'm almost certain it's because he definitely doesn’t, and I've just gone into a state of denial over it. Can you even be consciously in denial of something?

 

I'm on my way out to hunt and I smell him as I'm walking across the Great Lawn on the way to the Wavering Wood. He's obviously annoyed about something and I'm almost certainly going to make it worse.

 

He's just sitting down on the grass and staring up at the sky. Bunce isn't with him surprisingly enough. The moonlight dances across his tawny skin and through his hair every time he runs a hand through it. And I'm weak, so I go over to him.

 

"Snow?" I know it's him, I don't need to check but I do anyway. "What’s got you all riled up?"

 

He jumps slightly at my presence, I don't think he heard me approaching. "Astrology assignment." He gestures to a notebook and pen beside him and what I'm pretty sure is a torch. Typical. "I need to document the stars or whatever, but I just can't see them."

 

"They're the bright twinkly things in the sky, Snow." I say because I can't help myself.

 

He shoots a glare at me. "You know what I mean, the constellations." I do my best to suppress all memory of what I'd said to Snow under the truth spell right about then and instead focus all my energy into more snark.

 

"Come on Chosen One, you don't even have the excuse of chaotic magic to get you out of this one."

 

I'm being an ass. I know I'm being an ass and I should stop. I'm not sure I know how to talk to Snow without being an ass though.

 

"Piss off, Baz." He waves me away and picks up his notebook again and flicks on what I'm now one hundred percent sure is a torch.

 

I stand there for a few seconds before giving in and walking over to him. "Show me that."

 

I flick quickly through his notes, it's bright enough tonight for me to be able to see them on my own, so I ignore him offering me the torch with it. I’d ignore it anyway, we’re not bloody Normals.

 

"Well, for starters, I find it helps to actually look at the sky." I say dropping the book in his lap and laying down on the grass beside him. It's stupid and I shouldn't do it, but I've had no luck on the 'figuring out if Simon Snow wants me' front, so I guess I just have to take my opportunities as they come.

 

He looks tentative and suspicious, but when does he not? So, I pat the grass beside me, indicating he should lie down. When he finally starts to move I dig into my pocket and drag out a packet of cigarettes, holding one between my lips as I set it alight with my wand. I consider offering Snow one, but that might be too much, so I don't.

 

If anything, Snow looks aghast. "Baz, you're flammable." He says it like I don't already know that. Since when does he care if I live or die? Since I agreed to help him with his homework, probably. Hopefully not, but probably.

 

"So are you if there's enough fire." I draw the cigarette from my lips and let out a puff of smoke. "So, we'll start off easy, the brightest star in the sky is Sirius and from there we can find Canis Major." I point the glowing embers into the sky and slowly trace the shape. He's laid down much too far away from me but surely, he'll figure that out for himself soon.

 

Snow just frowns up at the sky as if he will it into drawing the lines for him.

 

**Simon**

He looks beautiful, laying there under the starlight. Legs crossed at the ankles with one hand tucked under his head and the other holding a lit cigarette as he makes sweeping gestures across the night sky.

 

I still can't see anything though, it just looks like a bunch of lights to me. I think he realises this because he tells me to come closer to him. I left about a meter between us because I don't know what’s okay anymore. I want to be closer to him though, so I roll across the grass towards him until I feel my shoulder bump his, then scoot back a little so we're not touching.

 

He laughs at me. "You could have just gotten up." It's not a cold laugh, but it's not quite the one he gave when he dropped me on his desk and I squeaked. That memory makes my cheeks flush.

 

He just shakes his head after that and casts **See What I Mean** then starts connecting the dots across the sky, explaining them as he goes. He's patient, even when I stop to write things down. He extinguished his cigarette a little while ago now he's just tracing things with his wand.

 

"You're good at this." I say quietly after a while. His eyes flicker over to me and he seems, surprised.

 

"I'm good at everything, Snow."

 

"I know, you prick." I don't say it like I mean it. It's more good-natured, softer. He is helping me after all.

 

Why _is_ he helping me? Is this another plot?

 

Baz lets his head fall to the side slightly looking at me. A few stray strands of hair fall across his face and I'm tempted to reach out and tuck them away for him. I turn to meet his gaze and give him a soft smile, he doesn't return it, he just goes back to looking up and starts talking again.

 

"And that's Lyra-." He begins but I interject.

 

"The one you said is on the back of my hand?" I ask, without thinking. I see his jaw clench in my periphery. I ignore it.  "I could never find it there either," I say bringing my hand up and staring at it, even though it's dark and I can't see.

 

**Baz**

Fuck it.

 

He's so close and I'm not thinking clearly. His face is all of about an inch from mine because he moved his head closer, so he could try and get the same angle on the sky as I had. He did move it back when his head hit my shoulder, but I can still feel his curls graze across the skin my neck every time he moves. Something so small shouldn’t be able to send shivers down my spine but it does.

 

So, I just do it.

 

I reach for his hand in much the same way one approaches a wild animal, slowly, carefully and letting them come the rest of the way. And he does. I let my hand linger over his, not quite touching and he presses up into my grasp.

 

**Simon**

Baz’s hand is so cold, but not unpleasantly so. It's cold in the way the bottom of your pillow is when you flip it over to cool down on a hot night. Comforting and all too finite.

 

 "Point, would you?" He asks, and I oblige.

 

He holds my hand up and traces it through the air, pointing it at the stars. With every line drawn in the sky he mimics the motion with his thumb along the back of my hand. I'm pretty sure I will now know what Lyra looks like forever because his touch is light but so painfully obvious that it feels like what he draws will be sketched onto my skin forever.

 

He doesn't let go immediately when he finishes, he lingers for just a moment before drawing back. It takes every ounce of willpower I have not to grab his hand and stop him.

 

"You could have just used a pen." I don't know why I say it. I enjoyed that. I want him to do it again.

 

He looks over at me. "Give me your pen then." He holds his hand out and I pass it to him. "Roll up your sleeve." He says as he sits up, I'm not sure it's the best idea but I do it anyway.

 

He places a hand lightly under my arm to hold it up.

 

"Cassiopeia," He says making a few marks just a little up from my wrist. It's not as nice as when he did it by hand. Nowhere near as nice.

 

A few strokes up near my elbow. "Cygnus."

 

Is he just seeing these now? Has he noticed them all along? What's going on? My stomach is doing summersaults and I find myself wondering how good vampire night vision is because I am blushing furiously right now.

 

"Aquila" comes near my wrist, closer to my hand than Cassiopeia.

 

" And Gemini." He says finally, as he places it just lower on my arm than Cygnus. I know that one though and I feel like he's drawn in wrong, but I'm not sure I should question Baz on this.

 

"Now, if you think you can manage from here Snow, I need to hunt and be back before the drawbridge is up." And just like that he drops my pen back in my lap and stands up, smoothing out the lines in his uniform.

 

"Night," I call, and he doesn't reply.

 

I'm still just lying there on the grass, feeling all too aware of the stars sprawled up my arm. Still, though, I feel like the one he traced on my hand is the one that will stay with me long after the others wash off.

 

I should do some more work, but I can’t bring myself to right now. I’m just playing that scene on repeat in my head.

 

It's a short while before I go back up to my room and finally back into some form of light. I do need to shower, I'm not sure I want to wash this off my arm though. Not yet. It's stupid, but I'd like to keep it for a while.

 

That is until I look down in the light of our room and see the word _'twat'_ written across my forearm.

 

**Baz**

For a moment there I was sure there was something. Some of that confirmation I’d been looking for. But maybe it was wishful thinking. He obviously didn't like it when I was touching his hand. Why else would he have given me the pen?

 

Crowley, I'm an idiot.

 

He _did_ give me his hand though, for a while. He let me draw on his arm as well. I'm shocked I managed to get the whole thing out before he jerked it away. I smirk to myself at that around whatever kind of bird it is I'm draining right now.

 

It was a bad idea and maybe I should stop this. I'm only setting myself up for disappointment. It's the little things though, the way he smiled at me when I brought him dinner, the slight flush on his cheeks when I caught his eye over breakfast, that fact that he just let me almost hold his hand.  I'm not sure I could stop now. Because even if he keeps dousing it, he always relights that little flicker of hope.

 

Fucking bastard.

 

**Simon**

I don’t think Baz is trying to kill me.

 

I think maybe he's trying to seduce me.

 

He knows I fancy him and now he's trying to seduce me, so he can break my heart.

 

It would explain that time he brought me dinner, and the time he helped me with my astrology homework and the fact that he is currently leaning over my shoulder and commenting on my Magick Words homework.

 

"That's wrong, Snow." He says tapping at the page. He's so close and the smell of cedar and bergamot is invading my lungs and I’m trying to figure out if that scent was always so intoxicating.

 

I glance up at him. "What's the answer then?" I ask, trying not to let him know he's getting to me.

 

He smirks. It's slow and it's easy and it makes me stop for a moment. He takes the pen from my hand, his fingers brushing over my knuckles as he does so. Now I'm entirely sure he’s seducing me.

 

"That's wrong too, and that." He keeps muttering along like that, circling several questions and words.

 

He works his way up the page, leaning further over me with every line closer to the top. He's got his hand resting on the back of my chair now and I can feel his cool fingers through the fabric of my shirt when I lean back.

 

I try to keep calm. I really do. But I can't.

 

I need to stop this.

 

I need to stop this right now.

 

So, I do.

 

"Stop it Baz." I snap the words at him but they still don’t come out quite as sharply as I intend.

 

He frowns lets the pen clatter back onto my desk. "Fine, hand in a completely incorrect series of answers." He says and goes turns around. I don't let him.

 

I grab his upper arm to stop him. "Not that Baz, all of this."

 

"All of what, Snow?" He asks with a raised eyebrow.

 

"You know." I glare at him, looking for the smallest crack in his mask, something will let me know that he's messing with me.

 

He just raises an eyebrow. "I really don't."

 

I stand but it lacks the drama of when Baz does it because I'm still several inches shorter than he is. "Yes, you do." I insist, poking him in the chest. "You're trying to seduce me and it's not going to work."

 

**Baz**

What?

 

What did he just say?

 

I'm not trying to seduce him. Or, I mean, I kind of am, but not properly. I’m just trying to gauge his interest.

 

Crowley, I've messed up. I'll never live this one down. He doesn't seem mocking though, he just seems angry. Is he that disgusted by the thought of it?

 

"You’re delusional, Snow," I ask, letting my surprise show on my face for once. “Why would I be trying to seduce you?”

 

He hesitates for a second like he thinks _he's_ the one who's made some sort of horrible, life-ruining mistake. Then he just shakes it off and presses on. "You were just leaning over me and helping me with homework." He snaps.

 

I disregard the latter half of his statement and press on with the first. "Snow, you realised you leaned over me all the time when you had me spelled?" I point out because Crowley, if I can get him to admit that is an act of seduction I might lose it there and then.

 

"Because I couldn't speak, and you threw my notebook out the window." He basically yells back at me.

 

"You had another one, Snow."

 

He stops and clenches his teeth for a moment. He opens his mouth to say something and then he just looks defeated, staring down at his feet. "You're right." He says the words so softly I almost don't hear them.

 

I'm not sure what to say to that so I don't say anything.

 

"Just stop okay." When he looks back up at there’s no anger on his face anymore, he just looks sad. "Please."

 

Whatever I was going to say next dies on my lips, because he looks scared and hurt and it tears me apart. Is it that awful, the thought of me having feelings for him?

 

"I'm sorry I kissed you. I shouldn't have." He runs a hand through his hair and he won’t meet my eyes. Despite my broken heart I just want to hold him until he feels better. That's not what he wants though. He’s made that clear. "I won’t do it again, I promise. Just please stop using this against me."

 

"What?" I say because I'm not sure what else I can say.

 

When his eyes meet mine again this time there's fire in them again. "Cut the crap, Baz. I know this is all some stupid plot to use my feelings for you to hurt me. So just stop. Okay?"

 

What?

 

**Simon**

He’s just gaping at me.

 

Baz is gaping at me. Brows furrowed, mouth slightly open, looking like an idiot for the first time in a run of about seven years and I can't even enjoy it.

 

He didn't know.

 

Crowley, he didn't know, and I just told him.

 

"Simon, I-"

 

"Don't call me that." I snap at him. Because I hate it when he calls me that. He's only called me that once, a few days ago, when I was pressing him up against a desk and things were starting to slow down. He murmured it softly against my lips. He'd never said it before. But _no one_ had ever said it the way he said it. He said it like it tasted sweet on his lips and he wanted to savour it and like he wanted me to know that he was.

 

Crowley, it sounded the way sour cherry scones taste. Better even. And I hate him for that.

 

Baz swallows whatever words he was about to say when I interrupt him.

 

Good, I can't be here any longer. I turn and make for the door.

 

He grabs my hand but his grip isn't tight or threatening, it's loose and soft, so I can get away if I really want to. I don't really want to. I snatch my hand back anyway.

 

"Snow, wait, just hear me out."

 

 I stop in the doorway and turn back around to face him because his voice is soft and pleading and completely unlike Baz.

 

"Fine." I snap folding my arms across my chest. This'll be good. I just made a complete fool of myself and he's only going to mock me, but I stay for a moment because I want to. Because I want him to stop me from leaving.

 

He's just staring at me again. He looks scared again. He hasn’t looked at me like this since he first realised I cast the spell on him. The truth scares Baz, I know that now. Is that what he's about to do. Explain his elaborate plan to mess with me?

 

He takes a deep breath and opens his mouth and then he closes it again biting the inside of his cheek, not meeting my eyes.

 

"Use your words, Baz." I don't have his sneer or his perfect annunciation, but my fists are clenched and I'm staring him down. I don't want to be. But if I don't get him first he'll get _me._ He'll get me anyway probably, so I might as well get a good shot while I can.

 

He responds almost immediately to that like it’s easier than whatever else he was about to say. "Those are my words you're using there, Snow."

 

I sigh and shake my head. I'm not sure what I expected from this but I’m disappointed anyway.

 

I turn and I'm about to close the door in his face when he speaks again. It's quiet, so quiet I almost miss it. "There was no counterspell."

 

Really, he got all worked up over this? I tell him I have feelings for him and he tells me he's not as good of a magician as he pretends to be. Fucking prick.

 

"So, what, Baz?" I _do_ slam the door, but I'm on the same side of it as he is when I do it. Magic is leaking everywhere because I'm embarrassed and annoyed and angry that he thinks that's some kind of equivalent confession. "So, fucking what?" I yell at him, throwing my hands into the air as I march back towards him.

 

I'm in his face now, because I've been avoiding him, because I've not gotten close to him in a long time. Apparently, there's only so long you can go without fighting your enemy before you're ready to blow. I know that's not really why I want to be near him though.

 

I'm close enough to see the way his Adam's apple bobs when he swallows before speaking. "So, I broke the spell when I told you I loved you." His hair falls in his face when he looks away from me and I think my heart actually stops for a moment.

 

"What?" I say it because it's all that I can think. My magic retreats the instant he says it.

 

Grey eyes flicker over to meet mine and for once Baz doesn't look closed off. He still looks scared and vulnerable and I just want to reassure him it's okay and that I won’t hurt him.

 

I reach a hand up to cup his cheek and he leans into it and I think I might kiss him again.

 

Then I remember who it is I'm talking to.

 

He's lucky I just pull my hand away instead of taking the opportunity to slap him. He looks a bit like he's been slapped anyway.

 

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" And the magic is back again, it's rearing up and I think I might actually go off in our room. "I was _there,_ Baz. I know it was a lie."

 

And for a moment I think I've got him. Because Baz straightens up and he's expressionless again. Cold and emotionless and staring at me like I mean nothing to him. But then I meet his eyes and it all falls away again. He brings a hand up to pinch the bridge of his nose.

 

"Crowley, Snow, it wasn't a lie." It looks like it physically pains him to say these things, but in the way,  it pains you to pull out a thorn, a moment of pain, then a little relief. "Everything after it was, but when I said-" He hesitates. " _that_ , it wasn't a lie. It was what I had to tell you to break the spell."

 

No.

 

He's lying.

 

He's messing with me.

 

Toying with me.

 

Fucking bastard.

 

He rubs his hand across the back of his neck and he does look nervous and pleading and hurt. I wonder how long he's been practising for this. Longer than I even knew I had feelings for him probably.

 

"I don't believe you," I growl out at him.

 

He steels himself again and I think this time he'll actually back down and admit he’s just playing with me.

 

And he does.

 

"Damn, was I getting close at least?" He asks with a raised eyebrow and a smirk. And Baz is back. Cruel, cold, horrible Baz who I am inexplicably infatuated with.

 

Knew it.

 

It doesn’t feel like a victory though, it feels like defeat.

 

I half wish I’d gone along with it, even if it was a lie, just to see what it would be like.

 

I shake my head at him in disbelief, except it's not really, is it because I called him out. There are tears in my eyes and I can't force them back no matter how hard I fight. I tell myself I am not going to cry over this fucking asshole again, but I know that’s not true. I hear a choked sob leave my lips and I hate myself for it. I bring my hands up and all but claw my eyes out trying to stop crying.

 

Crowley, I'm such an idiot.

 

Why did it have to be Baz?

 

"Well, this is actually more of a reaction than I'd hoped to garner, though frankly-" And he stops. I wonder if I've hit him and been transported outside the gates. I _was_ thinking really hard about hitting him, would that be enough?

 

But I hear his voice again. "No, I can't do this anymore." He sounds tired. Tired and defeated and done.

 

Has he finally decided he'll just get it over with and kill me, anathema or no?

 

I should see what he’s doing but there are still tears in my eyes and somehow giving him the satisfaction of seeing them seems like a fate worse than death right now.

 

 I hear the sound of something scraping against wood and I think he just picked something up off my desk. His hand is on mine again and I try to snatch it away but he's holding it tightly this time, insistently. His touch is still soft, even as he pulls my hand away from my eyes and gently unfurls my fingers. I think maybe he's just going to hold my hand. I want him to, even though I also don't.

 

He doesn't hold my hand though, he presses the grip of my wand into my hand. "You don't believe me? Do it again. Spell me."

 

It takes me a second to realise what he’s saying. It takes me longer to process that he _actually_ said it.

 

He's bluffing. He's definitely bluffing. And I intend to call his bluff.

 

" **The Truth Will Set You Free."** I hear the magic in my words when I say them, even though my voice breaks halfway through.

 

Baz just shakes his head. Did he think I wouldn't do it? "That won’t work."

 

I just glare at him, setting my jaw. I'm playing his game, that's enough right now. I'm not going to say anything and embarrass myself further.

 

"I told you everything already so that one won’t work." He says the words slowly, testing each one as if it proves his point. Or maybe he just found a permanent counterspell or some other workaround. Did he think I'd call his bluff and prepare for it? Probably.

 

But then he says, "Try a different one." And he doesn't sound like he's fucking with me, he sounds like he wants this to work.

 

I want to believe him. I want to put my wand down and throw my arms around him and just stop all this. I don't think I can do that though, not after everything that's happened between us.

 

"The Truth The Whole Truth And Nothing But The Truth." I try, even though Penny said not to because it was illegal and immoral and horrible. But there's no magic behind it so it doesn't matter. I sigh and let my hand drop back to my side.

 

Baz frowns at me for a second. That was probably not the spell he was hoping for. Honestly, I feel a little guilty for going for it.

 

Then cool fingers are on mine again and he lifts my hand until my wand is pointing at his chest. "It's the oath Normals swear before giving legal testimony."

 

"I know, Baz." I try to sound harsher than I do, but he's being so gentle I just can't. My voice comes out soft and weak and not half as angry as I want it to.

 

"It's about what's right and just. It's about telling the truth so the innocent don't get hurt and the guilty get punished. It's about getting the whole story. It doesn’t really fit the situation, but it will still work." He's speaking and he's rubbing his thumb across the back of my hand again like he did that night under the stars. "Now try again."

 

I look at him for a moment. He looks sad, hurt even, but determined. I consider putting my wand down again and taking his hand in mine and telling him I believe him.

 

That would be a lie though.

 

 **"The Truth The Whole Truth And Nothing But The Truth."** I hear the magic in it this time and I know it's worked.

 

He takes a deep shuddering breath and he looks at me. I think for a moment he tries to hold back, he purses his lips and creases his brow and takes a step back. But then he just gives in.

 

"Simon," He starts and this time I don't stop him from saying my name. "I wasn't lying when I said I love you. Crowley, I've loved you for _years_."

 

Despite myself and the tears still drying on my cheeks, I feel my face break out into a grin. I try to stop because Baz looks like he's waiting for the ground to open up and swallow him. But I can't stop. Because he said it and he meant it.

 

It wasn't a lie. I should have trusted him. I don't think I _could_ have trusted him though.

 

He looks like he wants to stop talking, he brings a hand up to his mouth and I think he might stick it in there again, but he doesn't. "I'm not sure how long really. I figured it out fifth year, when you wouldn't stop bloody following me around, _you bastard_. I think I loved you before that though."

 

He's turning away now, I think he wants to stop, I think he's going to try and run off like I tried to earlier. So, I grab his hand in mine, like he did to me when I tried to run, he doesn't snatch it away like I did though. He grips my hand tightly and I step into him, distantly hearing the sound of my wand hitting the hardwood floor as I bring my hand up to his cheek. He leans into it again and this time I don't pull it away.

 

His voice is a whisper now. "I think maybe I've always loved you. You're so..." He bites his lip and shakes his head. We're so close I can feel his breath on my face and for once it's not malicious, it caresses my cheeks as he tangles a hand into my hair and presses his forehead against mine.

 

"You're so alive and brave and good and you're bloody gorgeous." He laughs a little before continuing. "You're a fucking mess too, and so stubborn and sometimes you're such an idiot." If this were anyone but Baz, I think it would ruin the moment. But he's looking at me like he doesn't quite believe I'm real and his grip is so tight around mine, that I’m not sure I could take offence if I wanted to. "And I love it so much." He takes another deep breath. "Simon, I love _you_ so much."

 

I let my fingers trail down his jaw and then back up it until and he closes his eyes for a moment. "I'm not sure it's possible for me to love you any more than I already do, but I think I might if you’d just shut me up right now."

 

I can't help but laugh at that, but I do as he asks. I slide my hand from his jaw to the back of his neck and tilt my head forward until my lips are on his. He doesn't hesitate this time, his lips move against mine the moment we touch.

 

I’m not sure how to stop the spell, I don’t remember that part. I think maybe it’s time sensitive. Baz knows probably and if he thinks this will work I might as well do it. I also _really_ want to do it.

 

We start off soft and slow this time. There's no violent clashing of tongues and teeth, no feverish grabbing at each other, no pulled hair or nails across skin, though I'm sure that particular brand of snogging will be back again sometime.

 

I squeeze his hand and somehow, he knows what I mean because he lets go and wraps his arm around my waist. My now free hand comes to settle on his shoulder for a few moments before I draw back. I'm glad I've got a hand braced against his shoulder because he tries to follow my mouth.

 

I'm pretty sure if he had it his way I'd never breath again. I always knew that. I just didn’t think, this would be the method he’d use.

 

"Baz, I'm sorry." I feel him tense under my grip. His jaw clenches and his eyes darken. It takes me a moment to realise what I've said. "No, no, not about this. I want this." I kiss his cheek this time, because I know if he gets his lips on mine again he won’t let me say my piece. I’m not sure I’d be able to pull away again either.

 

"I'm sorry I didn't believe you," I say, not quite able to meet his eyes, so I just rest my head on his shoulder, tilting my head to the side just enough to place a kiss on his neck. “I wanted to, but I couldn’t.”

 

His hand drifts slowly through my hair, over and over. It’s so soothing but I’m still worried. He's silent for a few moments and I think maybe he's angry. Why wouldn't he be?

 

"It's fine." He says eventually. "I'd have thought the same of you. I _did_ think it of you for a while there."

 

I'm frowning when I pull away and look up at him. "Why?"

 

"Have I not talked about my feelings enough for tonight?" He says with a sigh and as I look at him he does look tired. So, I don't press him.

 

I'm tired too I think. I always am after I cry. I am trying to suppress that particular bit of tonight though. He removes his hands from me and I reluctantly return the gesture. He scoops my forgotten wand off the ground and offers it to me silently.

 

I take my wand and place it on my desk. "We should go to bed, it's late." It's not that late. I'm just tired and I want him to lay down with me.

 

"Okay." He says nodding slowly. He covers it well but for a moment he looks a little deflated.

 

So, I clarify. "The same bed."

 

His eyes widen, and I realise what I've just said. "Snow, I think maybe it's a bit soon."

 

"That's not- I don't - I just mean-" And now Baz is smirking at me and I can no longer form coherent sentences. It seems like some things will never change. "Just stay with me okay." I plead with him because somehow this still doesn't seem right, like he'll turn around any moment and say he was messing with me, or I'll wake up and it'll all have been a dream.

 

I think maybe he understands because he nods. "I'll stay as long as you'll have me."

 

**Baz**

It's been a hell of a night. A night full of questionable decisions and painful conversations and wonderful things.

 

I'm laying in Simon Snow's bed.

 

More importantly, Simon is here too.

 

His mouth is moving slowly against mine and his hand has slipped under my pyjama shirt and is now tracing circles across my stomach.

 

I'm not sure how long we've been here. Longer than the last time I think. We've had to shuffle around multiple times to deal with limbs going numb under the other's weight, or because he decided in the horizontal plane he can make it seem like he's taller than me or just because of general discomfort.

 

I'm currently laying on my back and Snow is curled up half beside me half on top of me. He's hooked his legs around one of mine and all but claimed it as his own. The hand that isn't splayed across my stomach right now he's propped under my head and he's slowly stroking my cheek with his thumb while he kisses me.

 

I'm almost entirely sure this is what true happiness is.

 

Even though my arm is slowly starting to lose feeling under him, I can bring myself to do anything about that but trail my fingers up and down his side.

 

I keep thinking that maybe all this was a mistake, and I shouldn't have done any of it. I should have just pretended I _was_ messing with him and used one of the many outs he gave me. I never get particularly far down that train of thought because Snow keeps leaning in to kiss me and then I can't really think about anything anymore.

 

"Snow?" I say softly because I don't want to ruin the moment. I'm not sure I ever want this to end. But I need to know.

 

His eyes open slowly, and he peers out and me from under stubby lashes giving a soft. "Hmm?"

 

"The first time we did this, you left crying." He turns a little pink at that and for a moment I think he might kick me out of his bed. "Why?"

 

"Does it matter?"

 

"Yes." And it _does_ matter, it really does.

 

He doesn't say anything. I don't want to say anything, but I think I'm going to have to. "Did I do something wrong?" I hate how weak I sound when I say it.

 

I mentally brace myself for whatever is coming but his face dissolves into a soft smile and he watches me under hooded eyes. "No." He presses another kiss to my lips and even after hours of this it still makes me smile. "It was good, so good and I just-." He looks pained when he draws back.

 

"Can I do it again?" I ask and for a moment I'm not entirely sure he catches my meaning but then he nudges me over with his hip and flops down on his back beside me.

 

"Only if you spell away all the marks you leave." He says the words softly, letting his eyes close again. "Walked into dinner looking like a wreak last time." I laugh at the thought and he swats and my chest with the back of his hand, murmuring a low, "Shut up."

 

It's dark but I can still see every little dot across his skin and I've already committed to memory the ones he likes best. So, I attack those first. I hear his breath hitch or a hum of appreciation or a low sigh with each one. I work upwards this time from the base of his neck to the one just below his ear.

 

"Baz." He whispers my name when we get to that last one.

 

"Snow." I say pressing my lips to his for a moment.

 

"You can call me, Simon." He says into my mouth. I almost roll my eyes at him. "I'm sorry I told you not to, I was angry. I didn't mean it." I half consider holding it against him. I think I might call him Snow for the rest of our lives just to spite him.

 

"I like it when you say it." He adds, eyes opening for just a moment to meet mine.

 

And I am nothing if not pathetic, so I kiss him again and say it softly against his lips. "Simon." And even though I hate myself for it, the gentle smile he gives me somehow makes it worth it.

 

I'm not done though, so I move my mouth back to the base of his neck and start kissing the moles and freckles on his chest and shoulders in the same methodical way I did to his neck. He just tangles his fingers in my hair and lets me do it.

 

When I'd returned from getting changed in the bathroom, (because we will obviously still be doing that) he wasn't wearing his cross anymore. I'm not sure where he's put it but hopefully, it's at the bottom of the moat right now.

 

Though I appreciated the lack of a cross, it was, of course, secondary to the fact that he was also shirtless. He usually sleeps shirtless, but it was more a curse for me than a gift up until tonight.

 

So, I can take my time to study him, or at least the top part of his chest, I'm not sure how low is appropriate so I leave a safe distance. I don't mind. Hopefully, I'll get around to finding the rest of his moles later.

 

It takes a while until I’m done. Or as done as I can be given I'd like to do this forever. I trace my mouth back over the dozen or so spots I’ve found that he particularly likes one last time. Then I settle back down beside him and tug the blanket over us. He did say he wanted me to stay here, tonight didn't he?

 

Maybe not because he says. "No." And shoves the blanket back.

 

I raise an eyebrow at him. He says nothing, but he's still wrapped around me, so I don't think he wants me to go.

 

"Snow it's freezing, I'm sleeping under a blanket." I say pulling the covers back up.

 

He immediately throws them off again. "No."

 

I huff. If he ever brings it up, I'll deny it but I do huff. "Fine." I make to get up and try to detangle myself from him.

 

"No." It's softer this time, almost a whine. I file that one away to mock him about in the morning.

 

"Has your vocabulary somehow managed the incredible feat of getting even smaller in the past few hours?"

 

"Piss off, Baz." He says and I'm not entirely sure he knows what it means because he tugs me back into him. Then he tucks the blanket around my shoulders but not my front which he compensates for my pressing himself up against me.

 

I'm tempted to complain just for the hell of it, but he is a lot warmer than the blankets, so I stay silent.

 

He’s almost entirely touching me, he’s even wrapped his legs around one of mine again and he’s trying to get it out from under the blanket. He’s not got his head against my chest though and it feels wrong. He’s looking at me as if he’s trying to decide something. He’s never been good at thinking though, so I make the decision for him. I slide my arm out from under the blanket and wrap it around him, putting a gentle pressure on the back of his head. He concedes, tucking his head under my chin.

 

“It’s just because of how we’re laying.” He mutters against my chest.

 

I absently toy with one of his curls, drawing it out and watching it unfurl, then letting it spring back again. “It’s because I’m three inches taller than you.”

 

“Fuck off.” He curses me mid-yawn.

 

“Good night, Simon.”

 

He doesn’t respond, he just tilts his head up and places a kiss against my jaw before curling back into me.

 

I always thought having the boy I love in bed with me would make it next to impossible to get any sleep.

 

It doesn't help that we still have dozens of issues we need to deal with before we can even begin to call this a relationship. We can deal with those tomorrow, though.

 

I _know_ he'll still be here tomorrow.

 

Somehow that makes it easy to drift off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anyways, this ended up being a lot longer than intended because though a cliffhanger is fun, having one on the climax would probably have the opposite effect. ie. the tension would be gone by the time I released the next chapter.  
> Regardless hope you enjoyed! I will probably write an epilogue cause obvs they've got some conversations they need to have. Also after nearly 40k words, I think we all deserve more than a POV and a half of aftermath. I'm not sure when it will be up though, because when I put these two chapters together and published I basically broke my 'have the next chapter finished before you publish this one' rule. Either way, it shouldn't be too far off.  
> Oh and I apologise if you found Simon dealing with the whole 'he's trying to seduce me' thing immediately a little jarring after everything. It just felt more Simon to have him tackle it head on the second it became a problem.  
> Also this is like my 8th time editing this note but sorry if this was all bit anticlimactic, I'm not great at writing endings.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's a wrap, folks. (A wrap of 7.5K of soppy BS)
> 
> Enjoy!

**Simon**

It's almost a shock, waking up next to Baz. I've spent far too many years fighting him and worrying he's going to kill me. So, my initial thought is that this is the end and he's finally decided to eat me.

 

He hasn't though.

 

He's got his arms wound tightly around me and for once he's not cold, not where I'm touching him anyway. Which probably explains why he's coiled around me. The blanket slipped off him in the night but he seems fine. He was probably just being difficult last night. Really though, I can't imagine falling asleep next to him going any other way.

 

It's a process, untangling myself from him. He’s all but clutching me to him and I don't really want him to stop. Breakfast will be soon though and I'm hungry.

 

I'm not sure how, but I don't really need an alarm clock to wake up just before breakfast starts. Penny thinks it's because I can sense the scones being baked.

 

I do eventually manage to escape his grasp. Baz gives a soft groan when I do so, but he doesn't wake up. I perch on the edge of the bed for a moment, taking him in. His dark hair is a mess against the pillow, it's not like I've never seen Baz with bed hair before but somehow from this angle, it's particularly endearing. His lips are soft but pallid and I consider leaning down and drawing some colour back into them like I did last night. He's all sharp features and high cheekbones and it verges on godlike. Statuesque at the very least. His nose is still crooked from where I broke it all those years ago. It's the only imperfect thing about him I think. I lean down and place a kiss against it, at that spot just between his eyebrows where it's half an inch too high.

 

"Keep your morning breath away from me, Snow." I hear him mumble beneath me.

 

I draw back a bit too quickly like I've done something wrong. But his grey eyes are soft and he's smirking at me and I remember I'm allowed to do this now.

 

I return his smirk though I'm sure it looks ridiculous on my face. Then I lean in and take his lips in mine.

 

He's responsive, even as he gives a content sigh around the word. "Disgusting."

 

I laugh to myself as I draw back. "Good morning to you too, Baz."

 

He just rolls himself back into the covers. _My_ covers.

 

I get up and gather my things so I can go get ready in the bathroom. By the time I'm done, which isn't very long, he has managed to drag himself out of bed.

 

He looks at me for a moment, then he just silently slips past me into the bathroom and closes the door.

 

I don't know what I expected.

 

I sort out what I need for the school day a bit more slowly than usual because I do need to talk to Baz. I also just want to talk to Baz. He takes his sweet time though, I start getting concerned I'm going to miss breakfast. Really only takes him about half an hour to shower and dress, though.

 

He looks surprised to see me when he walks out. I'm a little surprised I'm still here too. Usually, I'm one of the first people to breakfast come hell, high water or humdrum.

 

"What do you want, Snow?" Crowley, the way he says it almost makes me wonder if last night even happened.

 

I just look at him for a moment, half wondering if he'll run off when I move towards him. He doesn't though. "Well for starters..." I reach up and run a hand through his slicked back hair, from the base of his neck to the tip of his widow's peak. It goes everywhere.

 

He's glaring at me from behind a curtain of black hair but he doesn't shove me away. I smooth it down but don't slick it back. "I like it when you let your hair fall in your face a little."

 

He arches an eyebrow at me. "Surely you didn't leave your scones waiting just for that?" He prompts me, passive as ever.

 

"I had a condition last night, remember. You need to spell all this away." I gesture to the several red marks on my neck.

 

He sighs and makes a show of slicking his hair back again and I can't help but wonder if I've done something to annoy him or if he's just being contrary again. He's gentle though when he cups my jaw and tilts my head sideways and mutters out. " **Nothing to see here."**

"Thanks." I say, but I feel the need to really drive that point home, so I lean up and kiss him.

 

For someone who's acting so cold towards me, he's anything but the moment my lips meet his. It's a nice reassurance.

 

"Baz, about this..." I start, and I think I see panic flash in his eyes again. I need to make a mental note to stop doing that. "Do you want other people to know?"

 

He studies me for a moment, his brow creased. I'm pretty sure I'm the only person who knows he's gay, I'm not sure he wants that to change. I don't mind if people know about us (are we an us?) but I can't make that decision for him.

 

"I don't care." He says, taking a step back from me and setting about organising his things for the day. It doesn't _seem_ like he doesn't care.

 

"I am going to have to tell Penny." I explain slowly.

 

His voice is measured and unreadable when he responds. "Why's that?"

 

"We have a no secrets pact."

 

"How old are you again, Snow?"

 

I just roll my eyes at him. "So, Penny I will tell, but everyone else is up to you."

 

He's not looking at me when he says. "I _really_ don't care."

 

"You sure?"

 

"Yes."

 

I want to check again because it really does seem like he cares. But I think he's starting to get annoyed with me asking so I stop. Generally, I’m not against the idea of Baz being annoyed at me, but I don’t want to fight right now.

 

"I'll see you at breakfast," I say, walking over to him and placing a kiss on his cheek. He does smile a little at that. Good.

 

I'm by no stretch late for breakfast, but I'm later than I'd usually like to be. Penny is already there, and she warms up a scone for me as I slather butter on it.

 

Agatha is there too. I'm happy that she's sitting with us again, but somehow, I doubt she wants to hear the news that her ex-boyfriend and her crush are dating. (Are we dating? Or are we just snogging?)

 

As it happens I don't really need to tell Penny.

 

"You're in a good mood, Simon." She comments after we've all exchanged our good mornings. The smile she gives me is a little too all-knowing for me to be comfortable.

 

I don't know what to say to that, so I just shovel more scone into my mouth.

 

"You two sorted it out properly this time?" She asks, leaning over and tugging at my collar a little to peer at the skin underneath.

 

I swat her hand away, but Baz chooses that moment to take his regular seat across the dining hall from me. I meet his gaze for a moment and he raises an eyebrow at me.

 

I grin, I can't help it.

 

I hear a soft. "It seems so." from Penny.

 

Baz rolls his eyes at me but I can see a proper smile grace his lips for a moment before he looks away from me. He props his head up on one hand and absently jabs at his food with a fork.

 

I'm still looking at him, just for a moment. I've been glaring at him across this room for years but I've never stopped to appreciate it, to appreciate _him_ , before.

 

"What are you two on about?" Agatha asks from beside me, she follows my line of sight.

 

As if sensing this, Baz looks back towards us, his eyes settle on Agatha for a moment and I feel an unwelcome pang in my chest. But then he looks over at me and his expression softens, then he _does_ smile at me. Not a smirk for once a proper smile. I'm not sure if my heart has stopped beating entirely or if it's about to break out of my ribcage from beating so hard.

 

And then he winks at me. The prick fucking winks at me and goes back to playing with his food.

 

"So that's why you didn't want to get back together."

 

I'm so distracted by Baz's sudden forwardness (or forward for him at least) that I nearly miss it. I glance over at Agatha and give her a sheepish smile. "Yeah, sorry."

 

She just shakes her head. "It's fine. I didn't want to get back together either, really."

 

Because of Baz? My brain supplies unhelpfully.

 

But I don't think it is because of Baz. Because she's still here and she doesn't seem angry or upset. She just seems like she finally understands all this. Which is impressive because I'm not sure _I_ understand this.

**Baz**

I probably shouldn't have done that. All that smiling at him across the dining hall this morning. But he was staring at me, grinning at me even. I just couldn't help myself.

 

Besides, it's not like I was being any less subtle than he was. If he wants to keep this a secret that's fine, but I won’t be held responsible if it gets out when he's the one who started all that.

 

That is what he wants I think, to keep this a secret. Why else would he need to ask? I doubt he ever asked Wellbelove.

 

It's fine, though.

 

I understand why he wouldn’t want people to know. The Mage would have a fit. Hell, my father would likely have a fit too _and_ if word gets out, he’ll know almost immediately unless I can find a way to keep Dev’s mouth shut. Then there is, of course, the fact that Snow spent several years basically stalking me and I spent years obsessing over his downfall and then just obsessing over him. It would probably be better if this didn’t become public knowledge.

 

It would be better that way. That doesn’t mean I need to be happy about it though.

 

I've spent years acting like I'm not hopelessly in love with him, though, I can keep doing that now. So, I pointedly ignore him through all our classes, for the most part at least. I do throw the occasional jab when he messes up a spell. Apparently, I can't help myself when it comes to that either. He just rolls his eyes at me though. Sometimes he'll argue back, but never with as much venom as he used to.

 

When last period ends I pack up and leave in record time. I'd like to be able to convince myself that it's not because I just want to be back in our room where I have Snow all to myself. That definitely is why though.

 

I'm barely halfway down the hall when I hear footsteps running after me.

 

"Crowley, Baz, why are you in such a rush?" Snow jogs up beside me. He's a little out of breath and his backpack isn't zipped properly so I slow my pace a bit.

 

"I'm not the one sprinting down the halls, Snow." I point out.

 

"I wouldn't have to run if you weren't rushing." He responds, falling into step beside me.

 

I sigh. "What do you want, Snow?" I ask for the second time today, very ready to smack his hand away if he tries to go for my hair again.

 

He doesn't.

 

He goes for my hand instead. He grabs my wrist and runs his hand down my arm until he can splay my fingers and intertwine them with his.

 

His hand isn't soft, it's rough and calloused from where he holds that damned sword all the time. It's so warm though. Warm and rough and perfect.

 

And apparently, I've stopped walking.

 

"What are you doing?" The words are less sharp and more shocked. He pulls his hand back anyway.

 

He's rubbing the back of his neck now and he won’t meet my eyes. "I thought you said you didn't care?"

 

Crowley, I've fucked up. Again.

 

I add 'communication issues' to our ever-growing list of problems and reach for his hand again. He lets me take it. "I don't." I say again, even though it's now painfully apparent that I do.

 

People have started to catch up to us from class. We're just standing there in the hallway like a pair of idiots holding hands, blocking half the walkway. So, I give his hand a gentle tug to usher him along.

 

He does walk with me. "Baz." His voice is more insistent this time. "Are you sure you're okay with this?"

 

"Yes." And I am, I'm more than okay with it.

 

"Baz." His tone is warning like he doesn't quite believe me.

 

I squeeze his hand. "Simon." I keep my voice neutral when I say it, but somehow it works.

 

People are staring, I can feel their eyes on me and I’m almost certain he can too. He leans into me anyway and changes the topic. "You should sit with us at dinner, Penny and me."

 

I resist the urge to correct his grammar and instead just decline. "No."

 

"Why not?" Ever the stubborn one isn't he.

 

"I have my own friends, Snow."

 

He attempts to raise an eyebrow at me, he doesn’t do it very well but it's cute when he tries. "Friends or minions?"

 

I don't remember referring to them as such in front of him, but I wouldn't put it past myself to have said it. "Is there a difference?"

 

"Yes. There is."

 

"How would you know, you've never had minions?" I counter. He just huffs. "Why do you want me there so badly anyway?"

 

He sounds a little annoyed, but he doesn't let go of my hand. "Well, I figured we need to spend more time together."

 

"Snow, we live together." I remind him, gesturing to Mummer's House as we approach.

 

He ignores me and presses on. "Come to the library then, after dinner." Does he never stop? I don't know why I'm fighting him. I _want_ to spend time with him. "You and Penny will get along I reckon, it'll be fun."

 

"Fine."

 

"And, you can study-" He stops and looks up at me like he hadn't been expecting me to concede so quickly. "Good." He just nods to himself.

 

We make the rest of the walk up into our room in a comfortable silence. He's still holding my hand and honestly, it should not be affecting me as much as it does.

 

He does eventually let go, much to my disappointment, when we get back to our room. I busy myself packing away my things and he does the same, though for him it's much less packing away and much more, dumping his things onto his desk.

 

"You know we've got a couple of hours to kill before dinner." He says slowly, I'm still tucking things away in my desk drawer, but I can hear him approaching.

 

For some deluded reason, I think he's going to encircle me in his arms and kiss me again.

 

He doesn't though.

 

I feel a hand on my backside and then he's murmuring against my ear. "Baz, get on the desk."

 

I turn my head around to face him and raise an eyebrow, thank god he kept me distracted enough last night that I've not fed, or I'd be very red right now. "Excuse me?"

 

"You grabbed my arse and then put me on the desk, now it's my turn." He says it as if it's the most obvious thing in the world.

 

"That was because you were shorter, Snow, there's no point in _me_ getting on the desk."

 

"The point is that I want you to."

 

I roll my eyes at him for what might be the thousandth time today. But I do turn around to face him, put my hands on the desk and lift myself backwards onto it. Now Snow is five inches below me instead of three.

 

He stands between my knees and reaches up to kiss me, but I don't lean down. I really want to. But I don't, because I have a point to make.

 

"See, Snow, it's really not practical, you need to-."

 

And then he cuts me off because he places a hand either side of me and hops up so he's sitting in my lap. So now Simon Snow is straddling me apparently. Though to his credit, he is now at eye level with me, if an inch higher.

 

"Practical enough for you Baz?" He grins at me looking far more pleased with himself than he should.

 

I press a finger to his shoulder and push a little. "I don't know, Snow, you could fall off very easily." It's a threat, we both know it. It's a hollow one though. We both know that too.

 

"Then don't let me fall." He says wrapping his arms around my neck and leaning in closer.

 

I laugh at that, but I slip my arms around his waist anyway. "Aren't you the one always going on about how I pushed you down the stairs, what makes you think I won’t shove you off a desk?"

 

"You _did_ push me down the stairs." He points out. I didn't, not really, but I don't mention that. "But I trust you."

 

I raise an eyebrow at him. "Do you?" Yesterday makes me doubt it. The past several years _really_ make me doubt it.

 

He opens his mouth for a moment, then he closes it and frowns for a moment before he eventually figures out what he wants to say. "No." He chews on his lip before continuing. "But I want to. So, let's start with this?"

 

It had to be a no. I knew that. If it was a yes it would have been a lie. He didn’t just say no though did he?

 

"It was an accident." I say, sighing and leaning back until my head hits the wall.

 

"What?" He asks with something between tentativeness and confusion.

 

I swallow. "When I pushed you down the stairs. It was an accident." My features soften slightly as I search his. I'm not sure what I'm looking for, maybe some kind of sign that he believes me.

 

"I was _there_ , Baz, you pushed me." He's still sitting on top of me, but he's leaned back onto his heels slightly, putting a little distance between us.

 

He doesn't believe me. So, I change the topic.

 

"When are you going to tell The Mage I'm a vampire?" I feel stupid saying it. I know it's going to piss him off, but I have a point to prove.

 

He groans and rolls his eyes at me. "I'm not going to tell The Mage you're a vampire."

 

"Yes, you are, you've been trying to prove it for years."

 

He's irritated now, and a little hurt. He lets his hands fall from my shoulders. "I'm not going to tell _anyone,_ Baz." And for a second, I think he's going to hop off me and off the desk and walk out. But my hands have made their way down to his hips and tangled into where his shirt bunches there, (because he never tucks it in properly) and I have no intention of letting go.

 

"And I didn't mean to push you down the stairs." I should snap at him. I want to snap at him. But I also don't want him to go, so I keep my voice level and impassive and apparently, that's enough.

 

Something clicks inside Snow's brain for what is probably the first time in his entire life. "You don't trust me either?"

 

"No." It takes every ounce of my willpower to just let this play out and not tack an insult onto the end of that.

 

It's worth it though because he leans into me. "We'll work on it."

 

Point well and truly made, I'm sated on that particular issue for the moment. On that issue, but not everything. "Snow, was there some reason you got me up here or were you just waiting to see if I'd push you off?"

 

He grins at me, but he doesn't kiss me, instead, he leans away again, he takes my tie between his fingers and toys with it while he speaks. " _Are_ you going to push me off?"

 

"It's tempting."

 

"Is anything else tempting?" He asks with a sly smile.

 

I can't help it. I laugh because he sounds ridiculous. I expect him to look offended. He's certainly trying, but a smile keeps tugging at his lips and he can't quite stop it from taking over his face. It might be the greatest thing I've ever seen. So, I play along. "What else is there to be tempted by, Snow?"

 

He stops toying with the end of my tie and grabs it about halfway, pulling me up off the wall and towards him, until were only inches apart and I can feel his warm breath on my face, the bloody mouth breather. I lean in to kiss him, letting my eyes close, but I don't make contact.

 

"At least one thing apparently." Says a voice that’s much further away that it should be.

 

I open my eyes and he's leaning back and away from me. I resist the urge to pout.

 

"Is there?" I ask leaning further forward, not closing my eyes this time. He moves further back. "Or am I just trying to push you off the desk?" I lean a bit further forward as I say it.

 

He leans back and loses his balance.

 

I consider letting him fall. I really do, But I _do_ want him to trust me.

 

I don't have to do much, my hands are still around his waist, I just lean back and pull him flush against my chest.

 

He yelps but it dies half way and quickly turns into. "You're such an asshole." As he lightly slaps at my upper arm.

 

I'm laughing again, and the anger dies on his face as I see him try and force back a smile again. Somehow the emerging pattern there causes a dull but not altogether unpleasant ache in my chest. Maybe he really does want this? Want me even.

 

I don't have time to pursue the thought because he's thrown his arms around my neck and he's kissing me again.

 

 

**Penelope**

"Honestly, Snow, all that power is wasted on you, you're utterly useless."

 

"Better in my hands than in the hands of _evil._ "

 

They're bickering again. They're _always_ bickering. Somehow though, the words don't have quite the same effect when Simon's laying there with his head in Baz's lap and Baz is carding his hand through Simon's hair.

 

Really, I'm not sure what's worse, the bickering or the constant PDA.

 

I was apprehensive, to say the least, about Simon's relationship with Baz. It made a lot of things make sense. All those years of him stalking and fighting and being completely obsessed with each other. But it was all the things that suddenly made sense that made me so concerned.

 

I didn't want to see Simon get hurt. I don't think there's anyone on this earth that has spent more time hurting Simon than Baz has. Now Baz has more power to hurt him than ever.

 

Baz loves him, I know that. Merlin and Morgana, I knew before _Simon_ knew. Baz still doesn't know that I know, but that's exactly how it should stay.

 

Just because Baz loves him though, doesn't mean he won’t hurt him. Sometimes I think he spent all those years hurting him _because_ he loved him.

 

Baz can be cruel and cold and callous at the best of times.

 

So, I was concerned.

 

Simon thinks I'm always right about everything.

 

I think maybe I was wrong about that though.

 

Which is a comfort because I did push this along a little. Simon just seemed so upset in the weeks before they got together. I wasn't sure I'd ever seen him that upset bar the days leading up to summer break. So, I gave him a bit of a push.

 

Baz can _still_ be cruel and cold and callous. He's still all those things to Simon, just less so and with less meaning. His comments on Simon magic are usually followed up by trying to help him. He laughs when Simon tries to flirt with him, but he still turns a little pink. He mocks Simon's eating habits, but he still pilfers scones from breakfast to give to him later.

 

It's disgustingly sweet.

 

Now I think maybe Baz spent all those years hurting Simon because he was as scared of getting hurt. Probably even more scared than I am that he’ll hurt Simon (which isn’t much anymore).

 

As it happens, I like having Baz around. I love Simon, but he could never debate the intricacies of magickal politics or discuss the less conventional uses of mundane spells. Baz does though, sometimes for hours on end. It's brilliant. Once after a particularly long argument on the benefits of poetry to magic, he dropped the complete works of Edgar Allen Poe on me in the middle of breakfast with more annotations than there were printed words. Simon was a little annoyed that _that_ was the reason I finally started properly supporting their relationship

 

I think Simon tunes out my conversations with Baz sometimes. He doesn't always understand what we're talking about, but I don't think he minds. He'll just watch Baz talk with this soft sort of smile on his face. It's a little sickening.

 

Agatha still sits with us. She and Baz _don't_ get along. I think she's a little annoyed over him toying with her to get to Simon, and rightly so, if you ask me. But I'm glad she's still with us, it gives me someone else to talk to whenever Simon and Baz get too touchy, which is always. And since they're bickering again it's only a matter of moments. So, I busy myself talking to Agatha, something about a horse show in a couple of weeks.

 

"Maybe if you weren’t such an ass all the time.”

 

“Maybe if you were a half decent-“

 

And Baz has stopped mid-sentence, which I know by now means Simon’s sat up and kissed him. Even if I didn’t know that look on Agatha’s face says it all.

 

I didn’t know people had mute buttons (save _cat got your tongue_ of course), Baz does though and apparently, it’s Simon.

 

Even in their most heated arguments (as heated as they can be when they’re holding hands or laying on top of each other), Simon can shut him right up. All it takes to bring down the great Baz Pitch is a kiss from Simon Snow. It's a bit pathetic really.

 

I focus my gaze of Agatha and pointedly ignore the boys. “Wait, so Minty is a human, not a horse?”

 

Agatha gives me a withering look. “Yes, Penny.”

 

“Merlin, was she named after a horse?”

**Simon**

 

I don't know what I thought it would be like, dating Baz Pitch. I just know it's not what I thought it would be like.

 

We _are_ dating. That has been established.

 

He's taken me on actual dates, mainly over the winter break. I turned up expecting (and dreading) fancy restaurants and well-tailored suits. Don't get me wrong, Baz looks amazing in a suit. But I was relieved when he pulled me inside to eat take-out and watch movies in his far-too-big room. And he was wearing jeans. Months into our relationship and I thought he couldn't stop me in my tracks anymore, but nope, I was taken down by the sight of Baz in jeans. (And what a sight it was.)

 

Everyone else knows we're dating too. It's been for the most part well received.

 

Agatha doesn't care, which is good. Penny actually likes having Baz around, which is brilliant. And our classmates keep their mouths shut for the most part, which is adequate.

 

Really that last one is only because Baz made it so.

 

Gareth had made some comment one time in class to me about whether I considered stalking and harassing a good form of flirting.

 

Baz just turned around with his worst (best?) sneer and asked him how much luck he was having using his magic belt buckle as an excuse to thrust towards the girls in our year.

 

It was a bit of a low blow. Gareth _is_ a little insecure about his magic belt buckle (because it's ridiculous). But I couldn't really bring myself to care, because Baz had just defended me. He wasn't even in the conversation, but he's stepped in.

 

It wasn’t the last time. And he doesn’t only do it when it’s about our relationship either.

 

Niall had been mocking me in class over my spell work. (Baz’s _friend_ Niall)

 

“Come on, Snow, surely even you can handle _clean as a whistle_ , it’s a second-year spell.”

 

“Didn’t you fail Latin last year because you can’t tell the difference between tenses, Niall?” Baz had chimed in, eyebrow raised smirk painted across his face. “Really though, Snow, it _is_ a second-year spell.”

                                                   

Having Baz Pitch mock you is a painful experience.

 

Having Baz Pitch defend you when someone else is mocking you makes you feel fucking invincible.

 

He's started sitting with me in class too when his friends aren't there.

 

I started holding his hand under the desk. Now he sometimes sits with me even when his friends _are_ there.

 

Really though, our classmates were not the ones I was worried about the reaction of. It was The Mage. He doesn't like the Pitches. He really doesn't like Baz. He made that apparent.

 

The Mage did come and confront me about it, he told me I needed to stop seeing Baz. Hell, he even promised to finally give me a new roommate after years of begging.

 

I told him no.

 

I'd never told The Mage no before. I think he was as shocked as I was. It was scary in a way and a little liberating.

 

He kept pushing and I just kept telling him no. He didn't back down till I was about to go off.

 

I didn't want to tell Baz at first, I thought it might upset him. Baz doesn't get upset like I do, he doesn't yell or cry or anything. He huffs sometimes, but that's when he's annoyed not properly upset.

 

When he's upset he’ll just ice me out and it goes back to exactly how it was before we got together, but without any thrown punches or attempts on my life.

 

So, I didn't want to tell Baz.

 

I told Penny though.

 

Penny _made_ me tell Baz.

 

I've still not mastered the order in which I say things. So, when I'd opened with. "The Mage wants me to stop seeing you." He _had_ gotten upset.

 

"Oh well, it was fun while it lasted, Chosen One." He'd spat the words out like tar. Thick and cruel and like they tasted horrible on his tongue. "Now you can go back to being The Mage's good little pet."

 

It hurt because of course, it had hurt. I knew he was just reacting though because _he_ was hurt.

 

"I told him no, Baz."

 

And then he was gaping at me again, like the night I'd first told him I had feelings for him. This time I did get to laugh at that expression.

 

He didn't apologise for what he said. He didn't need to, I knew he didn't mean it. He just kissed me and somehow, I took his meaning. His complete and utter relief.

 

I wonder how long that had been bothering him?

 

I think that was the day he finally decided to believe I wasn't going to tell The Mage he was a vampire.

 

I know that was the day he decided to tell his father about our relationship. That apparently, didn't go so well. I don't know exactly what happened, he doesn't like to talk about it and I don't press him. He still had me over for dinner at Christmas though, his father didn't say anything then, he didn’t look happy about it though.

 

Baz didn’t look like he cared. He definitely did care. He didn’t look like it though.

 

So now all that's not such an obstacle for us anymore. Our trust issues are still there, but they lessened a lot after that.

 

I somehow thought for that to happen I was going to need Baz to change. But he hasn't changed, and I don't think I ever really wanted him to.

 

It's not really any different now. Insults are just dampened by sweet gestures and soft touches. Every kind word is hidden behind a sneer and ends in a curse.  He still refuses to sit with me at meals, but he does while away the hours with me after class and on weekends.

 

Somethings have changed.

 

Baz sleeps in my bed now. Every night. I told myself it was just for that first night because I was scared he's run off if I didn't keep him close. But then the night after that I asked him to lay with me and he did. And the night after that. And after that. I stopped asking, but he kept joining me and I'm glad he did.

 

We did consider pushing the beds together, but it seemed pointless given how close we always stay.

 

I'm the one who's touchy when we're awake. I'll wrap myself around him and pull him into me till there's no space left between us. Baz somehow manages to find some space apparently, because somehow, I wake up with him clutching me closer than when we'd fallen asleep.

 

He always says it's because I'm warm. I always tell him it's because he's needy. Then he hits me in the face with my own pillow. Then I kiss him good morning and he always kisses me back.

 

I don't know if Baz is an amazing kisser, or if he's just amazing at kissing me.

 

I always did what I knew worked. What I learnt from my time with Agatha and admittedly some things I'd looked up online or asked Penny about. Baz though, he's a bit more trial and error. He studies me. He likes to find out if I like things. I think he knows what I like better than I do by now.

 

He knows exactly how hard to bite my bottom lip to make me moan but not hurt me. He knows it sends a shiver down my spine when he runs his tongue slowly along the underside of mine. He tried biting my tongue once, I didn't like that, I didn't tell him that. I didn't have to, he never did it again.

 

He never wears his jumpers anymore, not when we're in uniform, only blazers, because he knows I like to grab his tie and pull him towards me. He pulls me in by my belt loops when the mood takes him because he knows I like that too.

 

So, I don't hate him anymore. I don't quite trust him, but we're getting there. Everyone that could know about our relationship does and he doesn't really care. He's good to me, even though he likes to pretend he's not. Most of the issues we started out with are solved, or in the process of being solved.

 

Most of them.

 

He loves me.

 

I'm not sure if I love him but I know he loves me. He hasn't said it again, not since he first told me, I think he doesn’t want to pressure me, I also think maybe he finds it a bit embarrassing being that open.

 

I _want_ to love him. I've been trying to make myself love him. I think he deserves to be loved, even if he doesn't agree. I'm just not sure if I love him yet.

 

It's only been a few months for me I suppose. For him, though it's been years and I hate keeping him waiting.

 

We've taken to walking along the ramparts some nights, usually before Baz goes out hunting. He likes to look at the stars. I like to look at him look at the stars.

 

He looks beautiful in the moonlight. Or even when there's no moonlight, just starlight.

 

I always thought grey was a dull colour, boring and bland. It's not though. Because his eyes are grey, and they look like deep water, water I would now gladly let myself drown in. And his skin is tinged grey, it looks almost silver under the moonlight. I’m almost entirely sure grey is my favourite colour now.

 

I tug him off to the side, sitting down and letting my feet dangle over the edge. He sighs but he sits beside me wordlessly. Right beside me, like he always does. His shoulder touching mine and our fingers intertwined. I lean my head to the side and rest it on his shoulder.

 

"Baz." I prompt him. Feeling out what kind of mood he's in.

 

Not a bad one, but not as relaxed as I'd like him to be because he says. "Snow." He calls me Simon when he's feeling particularly affectionate.

 

I ask anyway. "What's it like being in love?"

 

I feel him tense beside me, so I squeeze his hand.

 

"Arduous." Is all he says.

 

I wait. But he doesn't continue.

 

"Baz." I press him.

 

"Snow." He says back. It's not the answer I wanted, but at least he's not gone back to 'Chosen One' or 'Mage's Heir'.

 

"What's it like?"

 

"I already told you."

 

I sigh and tilt my head, so I can press a kiss to his jaw in the way I know he likes.

 

"Stop it." He all but hisses at me. He doesn't mean it though, I can hear it in his voice.

 

"Stop what?" I ask with a small smile.

 

"Trying to soften me up."

 

I laugh, and I kiss him again, he leans into it. "I'm not sure anything short of a meat tenderiser will soften you up."

 

I see his lip curl. Not in that cruel way that means he's about to cut me down, in the way that he does when he's trying not to show he's amused. I can tell the difference now. He doesn't say anything though.

 

I relent. "Fine. How about I tell you how I feel, and you tell me if it's love?"

 

I don't need to see him to know that he's frowning. "Snow, I don't need you to love me. I'm happy with just this."

 

"Happy?" I press.

 

He draws our laced fingers to his lips and places a kiss to the back of my hand. "Ecstatic." He murmurs, releasing my fingers and turning my hand over to place a kiss against the inside of my wrist, then two more, slowly moving up my forearm before he takes my hand in his again.

 

I shut up for the moment. I'm sure he thinks he's stopped me, really though I'm just trying to find the words.

 

"I _want_ to love you. I want it more than anything. Sometimes I think I would trade having you for loving you because you seem to think you're impossible to love and I hate that. I think I'd give you up if it would just stop you from feeling like that." I say the words quietly, I whisper them out into the cold night air, but I know he hears them.

 

"Simon, I told you, you don't-"

 

"Shut up, Baz, I'm trying to figure out my feelings." I cut him off because he just called me Simon, which means I think I'm getting through to him.

 

"Simon-."

 

I lean up and press a kiss to his lips because that always shuts him up. "I like this." I murmur against his lips. "I like kissing you, the only real downside is that when I do it I can't look at you and I _always_ want to be looking at you. Crowley, Baz, you're absolutely gorgeous."

 

When I pull away he doesn't try to interrupt me again, he wide-eyed and questioning but he's silent.

 

At least until I shift over and try to sit in his lap, like I did when I had him on his desk.

 

"Simon, get off me before you fall." His voice is hurried and frantic and about as obviously concerned as I've ever heard him be. He wraps his arms tightly around me though and even with a life-threatening drop behind me, I feel safe.

 

"You won’t let me." This time when I say it I know it's true. "I trust you."

 

He doesn't argue with me this time, he just grips me a little tighter. So I press on. “You make me feel safe, even though you spent years trying to kill me. And you make me want to keep you safe, even though I know you can do that better yourself.”

 

I cup his cheek in my hand and just take him in for a moment, trying to figure out what to say next. "I know we're together basically all the time and we do share a room, but it's still not enough. Sometimes I feel like if I'm not with you every second of our lives it won’t be enough."

 

He's staring at me now, silently, in that way he did that first night like he doesn't quite believe I exist. His jaw isn't tense, his eyes aren't hard, his perfect eyebrows are slightly furrowed in the middle. He openly looking at me like he's exactly as enamoured with me as I am with him.

 

"You're absolutely captivating. Even when you're being an ass." That draws a smirk to his lips for a moment. I love it. So, I tell him that. "That smirk might just be the hottest thing I've ever seen, and I know I told you to shut up but I think your voice might be the greatest thing I've ever heard. Sometimes I think I'd let you be as mean as you wanted to me so long as you never stopped talking. Though when you're nice it's even better."

 

And slowly my words descend from sweet comments to babbling out everything that comes into my head. "Not that I want you to be nicer, really. I like you how you are. Somehow you being such an ass all the time makes it that much more meaningful when you're not."

 

And then I stop myself and I look at him, trying to figure out what else it is I want to say, what else it is I'm feeling. It takes me a moment, but I get there.

 

"Baz, I think I love you."

 

I swallow, but I'm still looking at him and he's still looking at me like he adores me and then I think I understand. "Yeah. I love you. Definitely. I think maybe I always have, which is probably why it took me so long to figure it out."

 

He closes his eyes lets out a breath, I think maybe he’d been holding it. Then he presses his forehead to mine. "Crowley, love, you've put my confession to shame." When he opens his eyes again I can see tears in them, he's not letting them spill over but he's letting me see them. He's being open and vulnerable and that says far more than he ever could with his mouth. "Is that what you've been saving your words for all these years?"

 

I shrug and just let myself smile at him. I was right. He did need to hear this. I'm glad I could give him that, openly, honestly, while trusting him not to let me plummet to my death. "I just said what I was feeling."

 

He presses a kiss to my lips, it's gentle and sweet and somehow despite how cold his lips are, I've never felt more comfortably warm. "I feel the same, every word of it and more."

 

"I've got more too." I promise him, because it is a promise. Someday I'll figure out how to put the rest of it into words.

 

"So competitive." He laughs in that way he only ever really does when we're snogging or cuddling, it's low and it's soft and I'm entirely sure it's the most beautiful sound anyone's ever made. I'll tell him that another time.

 

"You love it." I'm teasing, but he is too, so it's fine.

 

"No," He corrects me. "I love _you_ , Simon Snow."

 

"And I love you Tyrannus Basilton Grimm-Pitch." I echo his words back to him.

 

"Simon?"

 

"Yes, Basilton?"

 

"I'm going to push you off the ramparts now." He doesn't mean it, he's still smiling at me.

 

I hold him a little tighter. "I'll take you with me."

 

He holds me a little tighter too. "I wouldn't have it any other way."


End file.
